bus

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  My husband will probably be upset. If I tell my pnurse when I see her tomorrow (it is not a given) she might note it in my chart and my pdoc might change my Seroquel discontinuation schedule, which I don't really want.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  It wouldn't bring disaster, but probably some disorder.
  It would take away some of the claustrophobia I'm currently experiencing, knowing that I'm not allowed to do what I want with my own body is gnawing at my bones.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  Apart from one very small slip in December, I didn't SI last year, and very little the year before. I think it's five or six years since I had stiches. To be honest, I'm not proud of it, and it doesn't feel like an accomplishment. It just is. Whether I hurt myself or not, I will probably not feel much difference in the long run.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  Maybe until the wound starts healing, a few days. I seriously have no idea of what state of mind I will be in then.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  Do the dishes. There are always dishes to be done. Write the blog about a book I had promised to do, but I really don't think I can focus on that now, my mind is blank. Drag myself over to the gym. Drink wine. Sort my (fake) jewelry which is all messed up. Do my taxes, it's even online these days and can be finished in five minutes. Sleep. Come up with something to cook for dinner. Watch silly tv. Write a card to my aunt. Spread likes on FB and post in support of someone who lost her cat.
  
  It's all distraction really.
  Wondering what I'm waiting for.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  I will not hurt myself right now in either case, it's much more likely to happen tomorrow morning. I'm making changes to my meds and the mood swings are weird and much more frequent than normal. I do try to remind myself that the bad will go away and the good come back, but on the flipside the good will go away and the bad come back. Seriously, I do try to tell myself that my thoughts are f***** right now and I need to just sit still in the boat for a few weeks.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

Sigh. I'll go distract myself until bedtime, that's 6.5 hours. Then I sleep like a stone. Then I wake up to a new day, and heaven knows what that will bring.

i hope the distractions helped and you slept well stellaria

distraction is not a pointless thing, it can really help take focus off worries and feelings, and sometimes you feel more in control if you get some little things done that needed doing. i think it's great you came up with lots of ideas.

Thank you treasure, it's very sweet of you to reply.

I have kept fairly busy, yesterday and today. Wanted to tell my husband about how anxious I was feeling last night, but there was an important ice hockey game on and I didn't want to be a wet blanket. Of course I know he would chose me over a hockey game, but still, sometimes I prefer to take care of myself. I did however mention to my nurse that I had SI thoughts, not in much detail but at least I let her know, I haven't seen her for very long and we haven't talked much about this issue before.

Don't know where this is going, urges are strong, all I seem to be able to do is to get through one day at a time. So be it.