bus

I'm going to try to use these questions more often, hopefully get a record of how I'm doing day to day.

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  I'll have a brief respite from this constant pain, a temporary numbness.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  Control and control. I'll feel like I'm controlling the situation, but I'll really be giving away my control to SI.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I can't really think about the long run right now.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  Half an hour at best. After that I'll just be guilty.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I could take a shower, drink tea, journal...
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  If I SI: I'll have to tell my counselor and that will be upsetting. If I don't: I will be able to say I've gone a day without SI'ing, which would be great.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really just want to SI. That little voice in my head is so, so loud.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  This undercurrent of pain. I'm not consciously in pain, but I think I'm getting depressed. I've been sleeping during the day and my energy is super low.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  Most of the times I've been depressed in my life, I've resorted to SI. And the sad thing is, it worked. Not long-term, not well, but it worked.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I'm eating a popsicle and filling out these questions. I'm going to journal after this. No time for a shower, but I'll meet with a friend soon and maybe I can wait until after I see him to SI.
• How do I feel right now?
  Pain. That's all I feel. Pain.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Numb.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Guilty.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I can't avoid something that's coming from inside.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

Maybe. I'm going to journal and meet with my friend first. Maybe the urge will pass while I'm visiting with him.

i'm sorry you're hurting loki.

it can be really hard but sometimes it helps to accept feelings and sit with them, remembering that they will pass and although they are really painful you can stand them. journalling is sometimes helpful with that. i hope that you will feel better after journalling and seeing your friend.