bus

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  Done.
• what had happened just before?
  I was watching a DVD and had just finished my book - nothing special.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  I just thought that now was the right time to harm myself.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  Because this is the time that I always do it. There was no specific event that triggered things.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  It didn't feel like a final straw kind of thing. It was just the right thing to do at the right time. I wanted to do it. I suppose I could have made the decision not to harm myself.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  No outside factors.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  I didn't really try any other methods of coping; I didn't want to.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  I guess I could have tried distracting myself in some way... I just didn't want to.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  Writing... watching a dvd... But I can't promise I'll try them because often I simply don't want to. I know this is really bad, but I don't want to make promises I can't keep.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  The situation isn't resolved. Perhaps because I'm still not sure exactly what the situation is. I think it's being the person I am. How do I change that?
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  I am very likely to be in the same place again, probably tomorrow, the next day... It's the place I'm in all the time. Nothing changes.
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  I honestly don't think I'll try anything because I prefer to self-harm. That sounds awful just written down like that. Harming does something that nothing else seems to do.

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

• What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
  No one's around, it means I can harm in private without worrying about being disturbed, and it was warm in the house, which helps.
• Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
  It was there for the taking.
• What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
  I would eventually have made an opportunity for myself. I have done before.
• If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
  I think it would have decreased at first, but eventually would increase if I had no opportunities for a while.
• What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
  Being alone. Being warm. Being in my bedroom.
• If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
  Desperate, in the end.

are there negative consequences of si for you?

for me, trying to stop came about because my feelings would disappear into si urges, and i wouldn't know what i was feeling or why i was feeling it. i didn't like not knowing, i didn't like that i was not in control overall, and i didn't like that i was always thinking of si - it is not a pleasant thing to think about most of the time, even if it does bring some pleasure in some circumstances.

why did you originally come on bus? can you use some of that motivation to push yourself into caring about yourself, into caring that you are using a harmful thing to help you cope? what might you tell someone else who was si-ing, someone you knew? would you say to do it, that there are no negative consequences?

treasure wrote:are there negative consequences of si for you?

Interesting question... I suppose there's the scars, and the way people would be about it if they found out, but at the moment I can't see any other negative consequences. I know there are times when I see other negative consequences, though... Just at the moment...

treasure wrote:for me, trying to stop came about because my feelings would disappear into si urges, and i wouldn't know what i was feeling or why i was feeling it. i didn't like not knowing, i didn't like that i was not in control overall, and i didn't like that i was always thinking of si - it is not a pleasant thing to think about most of the time, even if it does bring some pleasure in some circumstances.

Yeah, I don't feel as if I'm totally in control at the moment... I'm not sure if that's because of the SI or just because of me being crappy at the moment. I'm SIing more than normal but I'm not always thinking of it; usually just at the times I'm doing it... I dunno. Maybe it does control me more than I know.

treasure wrote:why did you originally come on bus? can you use some of that motivation to push yourself into caring about yourself, into caring that you are using a harmful thing to help you cope?

I originally came on bus I think to get support because I was indulging in a behaviour I knew wasn't really healthy. Now... I guess I still feel the same... I know in my head it isn't a healthy way of coping but I don't have the motivation to actually try to stop. I guess I should care.

treasure wrote:what might you tell someone else who was si-ing, someone you knew? would you say to do it, that there are no negative consequences?

I would never recommend that someone started to SI... if someone was already doing it, I don't know. I don't think I would feel comfortable trying to actually stop them because I'd feel hypocritical. But I wouldn't actually want them to do it, to hurt themselves.

Eep, this is really hard... it's like being pulled in two directions. I really don't want to stop SI but I do see why I should want to. Or should try anyway. I don't know. I don't know what to do.

Thanks kicks.

Not too bad with si at the moment... I haven't si-ed in over a week. I guess that's good, though it won't necessarily last.