bus

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i won't hurt like i'm hurting now. i'll be numb. i won't have to feel this way.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will bring control and it will take away control. it will probably have me start cutting regularly again. it will take away my clean days.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  i just want to wake up tomorrow and not hurt inside.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  it'll last long enough for me to go to bed.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could take a shower and go to bed. that way i probably wouldn't have to cut.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  tomorrow i will feel down and disappointed if i hurt myself. if i take a shower and go to bed i won't feel bad. i might even feel proud.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

i just want to get to bed and not hurt.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  too much coffee, then a post-caffeine crash.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  i've been here before and i usually self-medicated by abusing alcohol and drugs.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  i'm talking to a friend and filling out these questions.
• How do I feel right now?
  better than before talking to my friend.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  numb.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  miserable.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  i can definitely try to minimize my coffee drinking, so that i don't just drink a pot of coffee on an empty stomach again.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

no. NO. i can do this. i can get through. i don't have to hurt myself. i'm going to take a shower and indulge in daydreaming that i'm talking to ben whishaw and then i am going to bed.

loki wrote:indulge in daydreaming that i'm talking to ben whishaw

*googles* huh, nice

i'm glad you could up with a plan and the motivation to try and avoid si. i hope you felt better and got to sleep. (i would guess too much coffee might screw with that sometimes? what could you do if you couldn't sleep and still felt an urge to si?)