bus

This is the first time I've tried this... replies are very welcome as are challenges, but please be gentle.

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  
  Yes.
• what had happened just before?
  
  I was doing stuff on the internet and chatting to a friend.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  
  I was thinking that I needed to hurt myself, that I needed to punish myself. I had a vision in my mind of how I wanted it to be.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  
  Because that was when I had the opportunity, and this is the time of day when I normally do hurt myself if I'm going to. There wasn't an event that was the final straw, I don't think.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  
  It was just a decision I made... I think I'd made it a long time before... not sure what I could have done differently. I could have decided not to do it, I guess. But I didn't.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  
  No.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  
  I didn't really try anything else.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  
  I could have distracted myself by talking more to my friend, maybe by talking to my family.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  
  I will think for at least five minutes before I do anything... not sure what else.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  
  It isn't resolved... it's not the kind of thing that gets resolved that easily because it's to do with how I feel about myself. I am getting therapy, though, so hopefully that will help in the long term. Short term I don't really know how I could resolve it.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  
  I feel like I'm in that emotional place all the time.
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  Thinking for at least five minutes before doing anything
  Talking to friend
  Talking to family
  
  About Opportunities to SI
  Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.
  
  • What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
    
    I was alone and warm and comfortable.
  • Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
    
    It was there for the taking.
  • What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
    
    I would probably have waited until there was an opportunity.
  • If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
    
    It would probably have stayed about the same this time... it wasn't a strong urge.
  • What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
    
    Being alone. Being comfortable (ie warm and somewhere I feel relatively secure).
  • If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
    
    scared
    desperate
    determined to make my own opportunities.

hi roseleaf,
it's great that you have answered these questions, i hope it helps.
i'm curious about how being warm and comfortable feels like opportunity to si? perhaps you can shortcut that feeling by moving around, doing an exercise or going outside for a moment?

I was thinking that I needed to hurt myself, that I needed to punish myself

no one really deserves punishment... so what is it that you felt you did/thought/felt that deserved punishment? if a child, or a friend did/thought/felt something similar, would you punish them?

this is the time of day when I normally do hurt myself if I'm going to // were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc?

why that time of day? is it possible that you are tired, or hungry or thirsty at that time? is it opportunity at that time, or maybe a situation where you think/feel more than the rest of the day?
i have difficulty with the time where i'm "supposed" to be falling asleep and i sometimes can't. it's a time where no one/nothing interrupts my thoughts so they go off down negative spirals. it's a time where i've been told/taught that self-discipline is all you need to get to sleep on time, so i hate myself for not being asleep. it's also made worse that i am tired, and sometimes hungry or thirsty. it helps a bit to have water next to my bed, and it helps a lot to make a habit out of doing relaxation techniques or listening to music *every* night, because i know that the occasional night will be a shitty one, so i try to prevent that in advance.
there might be things you can do during this time, made into a habit, like writing in a journal or on bus, to help this be a safer time of day for you.

Thank you treasure and kicks for replying.

treasure wrote:no one really deserves punishment... so what is it that you felt you did/thought/felt that deserved punishment? if a child, or a friend did/thought/felt something similar, would you punish them?

There isn't something specific I did... I think it's more that I feel like I deserve punishment for... I dunno... just for being who I am, or something. Or for being a bad person, perhaps. I know it's maybe not logical, but it's hard not to think that. I guess if someone else felt something similar I wouldn't punish them, but it's hard to think of treating myself the same way.

treasure wrote:why that time of day? is it possible that you are tired, or hungry or thirsty at that time? is it opportunity at that time, or maybe a situation where you think/feel more than the rest of the day?

I think it's the time of day when I am generally alone and have time to think about things and do stuff and I know I won't be interrupted. So yeah, I guess that's when I have the opportunity to SI. I do tend to write on bus at this time of day already... I'm not sure what I can do to make it safer because I do value having time to myself just to wind down. I don't always SI, it's just that if I'm going to it's usually at this time of day.


Thanks kicks, I think it has helped to look at the questions and think a bit about why I SI and stuff.

I haven't SIed I think since I wrote this post... but in other ways have been feeling much worse... feeling very su at the moment. Thanks for asking.