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Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  The situation... it won't change by hurting myself, it won't be improved. I don't see how it'll stop me from feeling so used and alone.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It will bring problems, and disappointment. Maybe it'll take away stress... I feel it is too naive to think it will bring me comfort.
  It'll take away my several-years-SI-free. my accomplishment... will it take away my progress?
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I want to feel like we're partners, not so much I'm her caretaker. I want to feel worth fighting for. I want to be in a more financially secure situation. Harming myself is likely to cause a divide between us, and it won't create stability.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  Will there be relief? I don't know. This stress is constant... Is it worth it to have a little break? What will I do then? Hide in shame until the evidence is gone? Will I keep returning to it for more relief, for another break, in this constant stress? I don't know. I don't fucking know anything.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I could call the food bank and become a registered member; it will provide a very small, but stable income of food. It will last me until I graduate.
  I applied to a job.. I could prepare myself for an interview. Preparing will increase my confidence, but might get my hopes up only to be shattered again.
  I could ask/beg my family for financial help/food, like a loser. They'll only say what I am starting to say to myself (and I don't want to hear it)
  I could have a bath, distract myself with a game, eat food (eating my emotions, yay), go for a walk...
  I could draw/write on my body where I want to SI; maybe that will help ease the urges.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  I'll feel ashamed, like I didn't try hard enough. But apart of me also thinks I will feel stronger and more in control.
  I'll still feel stressed, but I may feel like I've done something productive to ease my stressful situation if I prepare.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to damage myself. I want someone to hold me and take care of me; maybe if I'm damaged, they will. I could ask for a hug and for them to step up, but they won't, and never will.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I'm stressed out, I'm tired of feeling like I do everything alone, I feel so betrayed.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  All of this is so new to me.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I've overworked, I've made incredible sacrifices, I've eaten very unnutritious foods to keep under budget.
• How do I feel right now?
  Stressed, betrayed, alone, upset/hysterical. My chest aches and I am really scared, full of dread.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Will I feel shame, disgust, and feel weak?
  Or will I feel relief, and feel strong, and have a moment of peace without my mind smothering me with thoughts...
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Most likely shame. Most likely regret.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  No. The only thing I can do to stop it from happening is to do this entirely on my own, end my relationship, and give up hope that she'll contribute financially
• Do I need to hurt myself?

........ I don't need to...
I want to.
I don't know what to do.