write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
The situation... it won't change by hurting myself, it won't be improved. I don't see how it'll stop me from feeling so used and alone. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring problems, and disappointment. Maybe it'll take away stress... I feel it is too naive to think it will bring me comfort.
It'll take away my several-years-SI-free. my accomplishment... will it take away my progress? - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel like we're partners, not so much I'm her caretaker. I want to feel worth fighting for. I want to be in a more financially secure situation. Harming myself is likely to cause a divide between us, and it won't create stability. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
Will there be relief? I don't know. This stress is constant... Is it worth it to have a little break? What will I do then? Hide in shame until the evidence is gone? Will I keep returning to it for more relief, for another break, in this constant stress? I don't know. I don't fucking know anything. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could call the food bank and become a registered member; it will provide a very small, but stable income of food. It will last me until I graduate.
I applied to a job.. I could prepare myself for an interview. Preparing will increase my confidence, but might get my hopes up only to be shattered again.
I could ask/beg my family for financial help/food, like a loser. They'll only say what I am starting to say to myself (and I don't want to hear it)
I could have a bath, distract myself with a game, eat food (eating my emotions, yay), go for a walk...
I could draw/write on my body where I want to SI; maybe that will help ease the urges. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I'll feel ashamed, like I didn't try hard enough. But apart of me also thinks I will feel stronger and more in control.
I'll still feel stressed, but I may feel like I've done something productive to ease my stressful situation if I prepare. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I'm stressed out, I'm tired of feeling like I do everything alone, I feel so betrayed. - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
All of this is so new to me. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I've overworked, I've made incredible sacrifices, I've eaten very unnutritious foods to keep under budget. - How do I feel right now?
Stressed, betrayed, alone, upset/hysterical. My chest aches and I am really scared, full of dread. - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Will I feel shame, disgust, and feel weak?
Or will I feel relief, and feel strong, and have a moment of peace without my mind smothering me with thoughts... - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Most likely shame. Most likely regret. - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
No. The only thing I can do to stop it from happening is to do this entirely on my own, end my relationship, and give up hope that she'll contribute financially - Do I need to hurt myself?
I want to.
I don't know what to do.