bus

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Pretty much. *goes to check* yup. Good for now.

what had happened just before?
My husband called me a liar and yelled at me.

what were you thinking and feeling?
I was thinking that I knew I wasn't lying or making things up and why couldn't he just realize that he might remember things differently from me. I felt overwhelmed, angry, and panicked.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time?
We'd been fighting for some time. I tried ignoring him, but he kept yelling at me so I left the house and called my mom. She talked me down and said that we could call her on speakerphone if we wanted when I got back to the house. When I got back, he asked if I'd been taking my meds (which I TOLD him to never do--I told him meds wouldn't fix everything and not to ask about them!) so we started fighting again. I tried to call my mom to have her mediate, but she said she'd have to call us back in a few minutes. I went to the bathroom. My husband kept yelling at me calling me "crazy" and a "baby" and all sorts of other insults. I left the house and my mom called me back. She once again talked me into going back inside. We talked on speaker phone. Until my husband insisted that he'd never yelled at me and had remained completely calm throughout. Of course, everything is my fault...nothing's his fault. I tried to tell him that we could just be remembering the situation differently, but then he starts saying that I need to stop playing games and that I'm a liar. I go to the bathroom and cut (*note* while I'm cutting, my mom says something to my husband that makes him realize that he'd forgotten the portion of the conversation I was talking about when I said that he'd yelled at me--so no, I wasn't lying).

was there an event that was the final straw?
yes

what was it?
My husband yelling at me and not believing me or even being willing to admit that I might be right...calling me a liar. Not letting me get a word in edgewise. Saying that I was playing games.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I'd been wanting to cut since the argument began. I had actually bitten my arm a couple of times to try to ward off cutting. I'd called my mom, left the house, tried to calm down. But finally, I just needed the quick release.

were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
I've been sick-ish for a few days; felt feverish and nauseous. That might have made me less able to handle stress.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
leaving the house, going for a drive, calling my mom, getting a drink of water, asking my husband to stop yelling at me....all but asking him to stop yelling had worked to some degree until that final straw.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
My mom suggested a while ago that I try typing my thoughts instead of saying them when we get into a fight because I express myself better in writing when I'm upset. I could have tried that.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
????

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
It's partially resolved. My husband (and mom) know that I cut tonight. My husband feels bad that he did something to "make" me cut. Don't quite know how to deal with that.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? Yes how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
probably in a similar way.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to
trying.
1. Take my med for anxiety and wait for it to kick in.
2. Leave and refuse to fight until I'm stronger emotionally.
3. text or call someone

Hi teacher2b - I hope it's ok that I post here...

It sounds as though you went through a lot and tried many times to resolve the situation a different way... I think your plan to not fight until you're feeling stronger sounds like a good plan. I know you left the house twice, calmed down and returned - but it sounds like the argument was still going and your husband was still quite worked up. Maybe leaving it for longer (staying out of the house, or returning but agreeing not to talk about this issue for a while) would help everybody calm... And I guess you could use that time to write about how you're feeling - maybe even do the before questions?

It sounds like you've got good support from your mom which is great - it would be good if you could also find a way to be able to calm yourself down in case she's not available right when you need her... Do you have anythings that help you to feel calm? (Lavender oil? Chocolate? Fav photo? Soft toy? Relaxing music?) sometimes preparing those things in advance (making a little coping kit) can really help as its all there when you need it and you don't have to think about it too much - just get the kit...

Hope you're doing ok today
han x

Thanks. I thought about going to a friend's house and asking if I could spend the night, but there's no one who lives close enough who I'd want to know we were having problems. I could make up a coping kit and keep it in my car...kinda like I keep my blades in my purse so that I can "grab and go" if I need to. Guess a coping kit would be a better "just in case" than the blades, neosporin, and bandages that are always with me. (I leave my purse in my car when I go to work, so there's no chance of students stumbling upon it...I have a different bag I take in to work with me).

I'm doing better today. Still feel raw and weepy. I'm mad at myself for making more scars. I hadn't cut badly enough to scar in a while, but I can already tell this one will. *sigh*