bus

It's been a long time since I've been on this board. My last slip was in March...but lately, I've been so triggered...all the time....

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It won't really change. I'll still be miserable and feeling unable to socialize, and probably more anxious because of worrying about the damage.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring calm, at least for the night. It will take away the 7+ months I have SI-free.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel confident...and hurting myself won't get me there...but Merlin, it would help quiet my head.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The relief will last maybe an hour...maybe til morning if I'm lucky. Then, I run the risk of thinking recovery is futile and fall into an SI cycle....Again.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could try to sleep...Taking a hot bath didn't work...Reading didn't work...but I could try sleep...maybe...It might give me a clear head, if I can sleep...but I don't know if I can right now...

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I will feel ashamed if I SI tonight. I will feel guilt for giving in. I will feel inadequate as a social work student because how can I help others when I can't even help myself? If I sleep, I might feel more confident tomorrow, but I don't know, because this feeling has persisted for weeks now...

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I don't know...I want to cut....but I don't want to...and I don't know how to solve this dilemma...

More Before Questions To Answer
Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Months of feeling lonely and inadequate have brought me to this point. I feel like I don't have many real friends, and the one friend I've come to over-rely on is busy often and I always get triggered when she doesn't have time for me....

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I've not dealt with it, but I've been here nearly constantly for weeks. It only gets worse, the longer I try to ignore it.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I've tried reading, taking a shower, playing stupid FB games...I'm here, for the first time in months and months, but if here doesn't help, I don't know what else I can do...

How do I feel right now?
I feel like shit. I feel inadequate and incapable of normal human interactions.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I will feel relief, and calm from the constant self-deprecating thoughts that ravage my brain.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I will feel calm, but then in the morning, shame and guilt.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I've been trying to avoid this stressor, but it's impossible. I know I need to deal with it, but I don't know how...

Do I need to hurt myself?
Need, no....want, yes...

Are there any other things you could use as distractions until you can get to sleep? I often find that if I can just get through for a while, especially if I can make it until morning without si then things are easier in the morning. I don't know why nights are so much tougher, they just are.