bus

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i will feel calmer, in control. it will feel like i've decided something (to go back to si-ing) and i'll be relieved that i don't have to fight my thoughts any more. it will definitely take away some negative feelings.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will bring relief. it will bring guilt. it will take away my streak of not cutting, and take away most of the motivation to stay si free.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  in the long run, i don't care. su keeps creeping into my thoughts. i guess technically si would stop those thoughts and make it harder to be where i "want" to be in the future. but assuming su is not what i really want, then what i want is to be a successful person who is able to cope with life and doesn't think about or act on si thoughts. si-ing now would ruin that future.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  the relief would probably last a few hrs til i want to go to bed. it could possibly be less than that, leaving me feeling screwed by my own body and probably in a pretty bad mood. i could find distractions until bed time, or maybe call a helpline.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could play a game on the wii, read my textbook, play a computer game, draw something, make something, soprt computer files, make myself a hot drink, eat some icecream.... lots of things. all those things could shift my mood, make me feel better, and distract me. the feelings will be back tomorrow, but maybe then i will have my assignments to do for uni, as well as other distractions. and fri i have a t appt, i should try and cope til then?
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i si now, then tomorrow i will be thinking of si most of the day, not necessarily about si-ing again but if it's on my mind all the time then that is a possibility. i will probably feel better in some ways but worse in others.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

i remembered we have marshmallows and making a hot drink with one in it would be a fun, cute treat for myself and a distraction. i think the self-protective instinct is protecting me from su thoughts and it might be a good idea to mention that to my (new-ish) t as well as maybe make a drs appt soon.


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  i miss it. i've slowly lost more of the self-control about stopping si until it becomes a possibility. i have been triggered by bad dreams the past few nights. i've been triggered by recent appts with a therapist who is not quite able to stop the slipping towards depression. i've been triggered by getting older and feeling like i'm useless and that i've tried long enough and now it's a good time to give up.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  partly yes and partly no. i have not stopped si for this long before (nowhere near this) and i have not been this particular age, where i feel like it's a round number, a good time to check out, a personal promise made a decade ago that this year would be my last. i have dealt with si urges before though, and su urges, and sometimes come out ok. some of what i previously mentioned has helped in the past, as has posting on bus or typing in my journal.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  stayed around my sister, played games, distracted myself online. i can do some uni work. definitely should make a hot drink. maybe will play on the wii and probably will stay online for a while.
• How do I feel right now?
  like i have a plan to avoid si that i will follow as best i can
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  so much relief and happy and calm and powerful and... (nothing i want to think about for too long cos it's just positive ideals)
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  after - like i can take care of myself now. calm, clear and alert. tomorrow - sad, annoyed, guilty.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  probably not
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  no. (may still want to and may think about it again, but for now, no)

I hope I dont see an 'after' responce. But I feel you are trying and I felt what you wrote. My way of thinking too. no need to SI. Let us know. I will check in with you. wait for that. then we discuss SI.

thanks, ambivalent red
i was going to say that it's unlikely urges from a few weeks ago will still be around, but some of the underlying problems are the same so they may come back. for now, feeling in control and positive enough to keep going.

not sure if it's related, but maybe a tangent to si... this morning i kept thinking about needing medical help, about calling an ambulance from a public place. it was like i hoped something bad would happen, and wanted to be in that situation where someone else would take care of everything and i could sort of 'leave'. there was no thought of si, but the idea came later, that maybe i was thinking about the 'positive' result i could get from si if things were that bad.

in reality, i'm very unlikely to si, let alone need medical help. i'm glad that i can say it's very unlikely