bus

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  I feel a little better, if only temporarily. I feel like I have been punished. It would take my mind of things.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  Feelings as above. It would bring some relief, but not much. It would take away my control to some extent. And I don't think I could just stop at one slip...
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  As always, father away. I want to be able to handle this like a non-SIer. A normal person. I want to stay strong and prove to myself that I can get through this.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  The relief might last until tomorrow. Maybe the day after. After that, I'd probably do it again or be back in the same spot I'm in now if nothing else.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I could stay on bus for a bit. Go into games/nest/write in my place. I need to go to bed, so I have to find someway to calm down.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  I'll feel guilty tomorrow.I feel like I failed. If I don't, I have no idea how I'll feel tomorrow.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I can try to work the feelings out through another means - exercise, something physical. I can then try and take care of me and then go to bed.


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  All the shit that went down today.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  No. Never been here.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  Tried to block it. Think rationally. Push it away. Accept it. Work with it. Now, I can try and distract myself. And sleep.
• How do I feel right now?
  Guilty. Alone. Guilty. Scared. Guilty. Regret. Guilty. Hurt. Guilty.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Like I'm getting what I deserve.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Relief. Temporarily. Tomorrow - I don't know.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I can't.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

I don't know.

hope you managed to sleep and cope ok Jem.

depression tends to magnify guilt, and maybe if you feel guilty about something/wanting punishment it can help to pretend you were listening to someone else describe what they did and base your reactions off that. often things are not really your fault, or not really that bad, and punishment is not going to be appropriate or useful. sometimes blaming yourself makes things easier to deal with. punishment is easier than coping with the idea that you may have hurt someone unintentionally. i think i tend to take conflict and pretend i'm over-reacting and should stop feeling angry, in order to stop the conflict continuing.