Before
Posted: Wed May 09, 2012 5:53 am
Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It won't change the fact that I broke up with J so that I could be with a person that can care for me, that is there for me, and knows how to make me truly happy. J was genuinly lovely, but he just wasn't right for me anymore, and I've tried enough with him. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring in a pain that I recognise despite not hurting myself for almost 4 years. It will get rid of a pain that I haven't ever experienced in my life and I bloody hate! - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to be able to know that I have made the right decision for me and for him. I think hurting myself would not achieve that really and would pull me away from that goal, as it would further strengthen my bad feelings for breaking up. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The relief would last for the work shift today, and potentially the rest of the night. After that, I am not sure if I would need to do that again. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could get sorted for work properly, and it'll mean I can get on with things. However, this wouldn't get rid of the mental anguish that I am suffering and will mean that I have to bear the full grunt of my actions. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I'll feel shit, because I'll have let a lot of people down and not just myself; but I think that my ex-boyfriend J would be upset to hear I have hurt myself, and so would many other friends and family if they knew I had started that up again. to do the other thing means that I would have made another day without SI-ing and I can therefore continue to work on being just friends with J. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I feel I have hurt my ex-bf J too much, but breaking up really smashed his heart to pieces. I feel it is my fault despite the relationship not entirely working and it just cannot be figured out. - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I have never broken up with someone after being with them for 2 and a half years/30 months before. Therefore this is brand new to me. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I tried to sleep and have had a couple spoonfuls of breakfast. (It's 5:45am here). I've also made a full lunch as I know the small breakfast wont be enough so I will be going along simply with that if I am hungry, I will eat. I am also still going to work, and if I feel things are overwhelming I will talk to my manager as she is a very caring manager too. - How do I feel right now?
I feel guilt, like a lier for the way I used to be with my ex-bf and now have broken up. I feel angry for doing it and full of tears that I can't cry anymore because I ran out yesterday. - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Numb, very quiet, able to think more calmly rather than everything being a rush. Despite this, it is not going to sort out the primary thing, that I've actually broken up with J, and that I must work on taking care of myself, being able to be friends with J in the long run and enjoying each other's company in that way. - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I will feel awful as I know I will have let loads of people down. Tomorrow morning will certainly be no different, and I will just feel angrier and angrier about hurting myself AND breaking up with J, so do I really need both things to deal with? - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I can't avoid the fact I've broken up with J, and I need to focus on trying to be friends with him (as he seems willing to do so last night, and I believe a further conversation today would help with securing that and easing my mind) and taking care of myself to the best of my ability. - Do I need to hurt myself?
I crave the bloody thing in the same way I crave lots of comfort food, and it's an absolute pain in the arse, however I do not NEED to. I NEED to be strong for the work day, and I NEED to still be there for J as the lovely, kind, caring friend that I still can and will want to be.
I needed to do that.