Before...

[Stellaria]

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  I don't know... it might be that I have a new talking person. I used to be in therapy with a clinical psychologist for years... psychodynamic. It was good for some things, figuring out relationships. Not so good for dealing with emergencies like SI and SU. Anyway, he changed jobs and I didn't see anyone for almost two years, until my present (temporary) pdoc thought I ought to have someone to check in with. So I have been assigned a psychiatric nurse with basic psychotherapy training. I have seen her twice and like her so far. She seems bright enough. I need someone who thinks quickly, not just someone who is "nice". And she is still friendly. She has been taking my history and what my issues are, etc. etc.
  
  I don't feel bad about it, but still it brings up thoughts and memories.
  
  Still, that is probably not all. It's precisely one year ago that I believed I was going to kill myself, I mean really believed, I had some psychotic ideas. Almost two months of involuntary hospitalization. Since I get stuck on dates when I'm bad off, I can't forget the date. I'm not sick like I was at the time, but it's still kind of strange.
  
  Or... I just don't know. I have only slept three hours, am drinking whiskey all by myself in the early hours of the morning (not a common habit). Have to really really restrain myself from a massive bout of online shopping.
  
  I don't feel bad. Or sad. Or anxious. Not even empty. Squeezed somewhere between lust and lost.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  I guess so... I think I have mostly just waited things out, which sometimes works and sometimes things just keep building instead.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  Well, drink. Not the smartest plan. I should try to get some sleep, which might happen or not. I always get weird when I don't sleep enough. But now that I have had alcohol I won't take a sleeping pill, maybe I can sleep anyway. Sweden in the middle of the winter, it's dark outside, but when there is daylight I will take a proper walk, storm or not. I'm writing this and I will write in my blog, somehow it helps to get the thoughts out of my head. And I will tell my husband when he wakes up, just a hug or two can help a lot.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Just... strange. Not bad. But craving blood.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  I really can't predict if it would be a kick or horror, probably the former.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Right after, I would probably feel elated. Once that dissipates I would likely regret the scars and falling back into old habits.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  New psych people, always happens. The occasional sleepless night, always happens. Bad memories, always happens. Maybe with time my identity as a recovered SI-er will be strong enough that it will matter to me how I act. It does now, to some extent, but I'm still walking closely to the edge.
  
  I will anyway tell new nurse about my thoughts when I see her Monday. I don't know yet how she deals with SI, but I might as well find out.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  There is no such thing as need to hurt myself. I want to. I don't think I will.

[Stellaria]

I'm just adding stuff here, because things are pretty much the same, except my cravings for kicks are even stronger today. I want SI, sex, alcohol, shopping, tobacco (I'm not a smoker since 25 years)... And I'm not feeling bad, and I'm not at all anxious now that "the date" has passed. I slept well last night, and I'm not over the top euphoric. I just want so so badly to hurt myself, because it would be fun. Things are weird.