Before
Posted: Mon May 09, 2011 10:16 pm
Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
I want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a long time. I want to go back in time and do more with my life, I want to stop being in pain, I want to be able to run, I want to walk without falling, I want to be able to do everything I need to do, I want to quit dropping things, I want control over my own body. I want my body to quit attacking itself (oooh how's that for irony?) Is there anything more ironic then wanting to SI to deal with the symptoms of an autoimmune disorder? LOL!
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
How would I know if it became a need? I take pain medicine to deal with my pain at night. Without it I can't sleep and I am miserable. But do I NEED that medicine? I don't know. It would help to hurt myself. But I don't know if it is worth the side effects.
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I may feel some relief, it may help break this cycle of anxiety I'm having - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
add- relief, guilt, possibly add anxiety because of needing to hide the injuries
take away-anxiety - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I don't know, I guess in the long run I would prefer not to resort to s.h. because it makes me feel like I'm not as together as I should be. Like I should be able to handle life without it. On the other hand I do have a pretty signifigant ammount of stress in my life and I don't use other unhealthy coping mechs..ok just justifying myself now. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
I don't know. Sometimes it lasts as long as the injury does. Not usually though. Certainly not as long as the scars will last so I guess on the balance it's not worth the relief it would bring. Ugh that's a depressing thought. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
clean, sleep, find more funny vids to watch, distract myself some more, bake with my kids - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i be e up with?
I have no idea. I might still feel glad tomorow. If I do the other thing? Probably about the same as I do now. Maybe a tad pleased I didn't cut. Maybe just annoyed that I didn't. I guess for me it makes more sense to think about how I will feel about it once the desire to s.i. passes. Because that likely won't be as soon as tomorow. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a long time. I want to go back in time and do more with my life, I want to stop being in pain, I want to be able to run, I want to walk without falling, I want to be able to do everything I need to do, I want to quit dropping things, I want control over my own body. I want my body to quit attacking itself (oooh how's that for irony?) Is there anything more ironic then wanting to SI to deal with the symptoms of an autoimmune disorder? LOL!
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Anxiety. It helps with my anxiety. - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
nope never. Just kidding, only pretty much every time I've ever s.i.ed and loads of times I didn't s.i. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
watched funny videos, read, visited on the phone (with one of my stepmoms, the opposite of helpful), hung out with my family, petted my cats - How do I feel right now?
Anxious, annoyed with myself, self loathing (a bit.) - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
relieved, calmer - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Probably calmer for a bit, tomorow? Tired - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
avoid- no, deal better? undoubtably - Do I need to hurt myself?
How would I know if it became a need? I take pain medicine to deal with my pain at night. Without it I can't sleep and I am miserable. But do I NEED that medicine? I don't know. It would help to hurt myself. But I don't know if it is worth the side effects.
