bus

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i will feel better, calm and in control.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will bring a lot of relief and a coping method i can rely on to take the pain away (for a little while at least)
  it will take away the almost 2 and a half years without si. it will take away the strength and power i had in saying 'no'
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  i was talking about something yesterday about going in cycles of feeling more depressed and thought maybe this time i'd be able to get out of it a lot quicker. in the long term it would be nice to think that i could be in control of my mental illness, able to cope even when things are hard, able to look to the future with a little optimism.
  right now that's still a dream of a dream, but i know si would take me further away from it.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  the relief might last a few days or a few weeks. i would continue to be under stress from uni and after that time is up i think i would probably si again.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  right now i'm waiting for my sis to come home and i'll help make dinner, maybe watch tv and then go to bed. i only have 20-30mins til my sis is home and i could start dinner now if i wanted. i was thinking of si earlier, but i got through most of the day. now it feels like i could/should do it later tonight but before then i might talk to my sis (maybe about si urges, maybe not), and eating food could help.
  hopefully i will start to feel better around my sis and that will last til tomorrow at least. tomorrow we are planning to go buy a kitten and i think that will be a fun and interesting day, as well as give me something to care for and play with when i'm feeling bad. not sure if that will work completely.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  i would feel guilty and fragile tomorrow if i si tonight. if i don't si but stay in a bad mood i think tomorrow will feel worse, i'll be anxious and urgy.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  i want to calm down. i should go make dinner and then try and relax. perhaps with reading or going to bed rather than watching tv.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.