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Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  It won't. I know I won't actually feel any better because lately I don't feel a whole lot better, even when I do SI.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It will create new worries, because I'll have to worry about cleaning up and keeping it hidden...it might take some of my current tension from the situation but otherwise nothing.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I don't even know. I don't know.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  The relief it brings will last literally seconds, probably no more. Then I will probably try to finish the assignment I've been putting off, because I need to distract myself.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I could work on the assignment now. I could text someone and tell them how I'm feeling. I could go to sleep. In the long run I don't feel like it will change anything about this situation because there seems to be no reason behind it.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  I'll probably feel a little ashamed because I'm supposed to go out to the barn and ride, meaning my arms will be exposed. I'll have to hide whatever I might do from the other girls. If I just finished the assignment now, I'd feel better because it would mean it was done and I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to cut. But I shouldn't, because if I'm going to protect myself this is not the way to do it.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  My house has a black cloud hanging over it today. I've been in my room all day trying to do homework but getting nowhere because I feel very grey, like I'm floating along...sad, but not enough to cry about it. I went down to dinner and everyone in my family was angry at each other, then no one spoke while we ate and it was extremely uncomfortable. I'm feeling neglected by my best friend even though I know that's not fair, but I always get jealous when she has time to spend with her boyfriend but not me.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  I've been here lots of times. Sometimes I SIed, and it didn't help in the long run, I always ended up feeling like this again.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I haven't done anything. I thought going down to eat would be the appropriate thing to do but it just made things worse. I don't know what else I can do.
• How do I feel right now?
  Sad and grey, I want to cry but I can't. I feel like I'm flatlining, there's nothing there.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  I'll hopefully feel something, and if not, seeing the actual act of it is somewhat satisfying.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  I'll be sore. I'll probably be shaky. I'll feel like crap when I wake up tomorrow.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I can't, because I can't avoid my family. And I don't know how to deal with my unreasonable expectations of my best friend, because I know they're unreasonable, but I can't make myself stop thinking them.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  "need to", I guess not, although it certainly feels like I do.

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

demolition_lover wrote:Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I can't, because I can't avoid my family. And I don't know how to deal with my unreasonable expectations of my best friend, because I know they're unreasonable, but I can't make myself stop thinking them.

how does your family fighting make you feel? you said you felt sad and flat before that so when did it actually start? what are the expectations you have for your friend?

it sounds like trying to cope with your low mood, without support from your friend and without comfort or support from your family, was too much for you to handle. it's not unreasonable to be sad that you don't have enough time with a friend, it would only be unreasonable if you think no one else should have time with them, or that they need to be available to you 24/7.

some ideas that might not be useful but i'll try.
- do you have a list or idea of skills you can use for helping you cope with a low mood? if trying to do work/homework is not successful, and talking to friends or family is not successful, what else can you try? listening to music is one of my most useful coping skills, but the more you have the more likely you can find one that helps in a particular situation.
- can you ask your friend or family members for comfort or support if you need/want it? like by text message with friends, or asking for hugs or advice from family members.
- you say you have to ride tomorrow, is that something you enjoy and can you do it in short notice, when you need something healthy/distracting to do?

treasure wrote: how does your family fighting make you feel? you said you felt sad and flat before that so when did it actually start? what are the expectations you have for your friend?

I definitely already felt sad and flat and I do have days where I just wake up feeling like that, and then when everyone is fighting with each other it makes it so much harder to deal with. When they fight with me or with each other I just feel like everything is out of my control, and I just want everyone to shut up and give me some peace and quiet for a minute...

treasure wrote:it sounds like trying to cope with your low mood, without support from your friend and without comfort or support from your family, was too much for you to handle. it's not unreasonable to be sad that you don't have enough time with a friend, it would only be unreasonable if you think no one else should have time with them, or that they need to be available to you 24/7.

And that's exactly it, I can't help having those expectations of her as much as my rational self can tell myself that's totally unreasonable. It's unreasonable to be jealous because she's with her boyfriend, it's unreasonable to be disappointed that we can't hang out all day every day. Even though I know that's not fair, I can't stop those thoughts from creeping into my mind, you know?

treasure wrote:some ideas that might not be useful but i'll try.
- do you have a list or idea of skills you can use for helping you cope with a low mood? if trying to do work/homework is not successful, and talking to friends or family is not successful, what else can you try? listening to music is one of my most useful coping skills, but the more you have the more likely you can find one that helps in a particular situation.
- can you ask your friend or family members for comfort or support if you need/want it? like by text message with friends, or asking for hugs or advice from family members.
- you say you have to ride tomorrow, is that something you enjoy and can you do it in short notice, when you need something healthy/distracting to do?

Music is definitely something that helps me too, it's so nice to just be able to lose myself in it and forget about everything...unfortunately when my mind is racing that just doesn't work sometimes. I can't really ask my family for support, and I have a couple of friends that I can ask for support but I don't always want to burden them. I guess that sounds silly because they're my friends, they want to be there for me, but I hate feeling like I'm always the one bringing everyone down. Riding is my favourite thing in the whole entire world, unfortunately it is not something I can do on short notice, I can only get out there once a week.

Thanks so much for all the ideas treasure, it makes me feel a lot better just to have someone notice this post and care to reply.