bus

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  It won't.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  nothing. this situation is out of my hands, I have no control but it will affect a major part of my life
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I want to have control of me and my life. dammit. both
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  idk. This situation is beyond my control and I need relief and this situation is not going away for some time. idk
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  idk, anything I think of puts me in an atmosphere to hurt myself one way or another. It won't change the situation. Nothing will. I have no control over my life again and I want something to bring it back. I guess the question @ how long will the change last is asking me if si will help the situation. No but my life is going back to a mess again. What will I do then? idk.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  numb.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

scream it's not fair. si. idk what that even means.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  Because I am being forced into a decision that I don't want, and I have no recourse that will solve it. Damn gov't.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  yes. I cut. relieved but ashamed
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  nothing. idk, I am so overwhelmed atm.
• How do I feel right now?
  pissed off and majorly triggered
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  releived but guilty.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  stupid, even stupider.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  ha, I wish. I have no choice in this matter.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

i want to but....