bus

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  I'll feel less out of control. I'll have let out the blackness in my mind.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  I'll be less out of control, less freaked out, feel more safe, probably be able to sleep/function better.
  I'll lose 2 years ... I'll have to tell R and J what I did and deal with that ...
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want to have been able to overcome this ... maybe it'll make me feel that I haven't overcome by myself. Or maybe then I'll be satisfied.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  For tonight ... then probably regret it and be ashamed and disappointed with myself.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I could ... read or listen to music but I don't feel capable of either atm ... my brain sort of says anything self preserving is too much. ugh. Or pray. I guess this is the only feasible one. Just pray.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  Probably, disappointed and a lot of self hate, mixed up with some satisfaction/relief.
  Better ... maybe a little proud? And a little disappointed in the dark part of me. And just, disappointed for getting in this state anyway ...
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  I don't know. I don't know. The path of least resistance seems the best option ...

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.