Before

[graceless]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I'll gain some clarity...my thoughts can become my own again instead of being so caught up
And consumed by thoughts of SI and the pressure and anger will subside. I'll hopefully just be able to breath out, if that makes sense.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It'll bring order and hopefully give me focus. It'll bring some guilt. It'll take away the fear that I'm doing feck all to change the place I'm at right now, because I can't allow my self to do nothing anymore.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I think now, finally I just want to do what it takes to take steps forward...and if cutting helps me do that - then for now I'm okay with that. Its obvious long term, this isn't something I want to do...but not doing it seems to create more confusion and more of a stand still at the moment that I can't allow.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

I have no idea, really none. I can tell you how long I hope it'll last or want it to last, but reality is its all so changeable that I don't know any more. What I'll do is just ride it out, step at a time.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I've held off a few days longer than I thought I would be able to, I had a nap, I've been online. I'm sitting gazing out the window which is a little distracting. I could maybe listen to a play list on my ipod but the outcome is gunna be the same.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I'll try not to think about the fact I've harmed, no point in asking why because I don't know. I'll be pissed at myself, but I know I've not just done it in a stupid moment. I don't know how the hell I'll feel tomo, I hardly know how I bloody feel tonight. I can't think about that now.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

The best way to protect it, is to acknowledge it I suppose...
I don't know what's going on in me. I try to , understand and see patterns but I can't without it feeling like I'm entering into my depressed, dark place - I really can't afford to let that take over. Cutting keeps it at bay more than anything else I know. Sounds like a load of shit, I dunno how to explain it really.