bus

After:

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

First of all, it wasn't a "slip." A slip is when you make a mistake. This was no mistake. If I had to do it all over again, I would have.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  
  Yeah. They'll be fine.
• what had happened just before?
  
  I was on Facebook and I saw a "friend" posted something. I thought I had her messages hidden, but Facebook sucks so badly, that it can't even do that. This friend was somebody I've been sending pms and emails to for weeks, and she never returns them. I could unfriend her altogether, but we have mutual friends so I'd still see her there.
  
  This is just the tip of the iceberg, though. I'm using a dating service to find dates. I've been going on a lot of dates using this service and a lot of women have been giving me their phone numbers and when I've tried to contact them, I've received nothing in return.
  
  It's like... can't they just say "Fuck you" at the date when I ask?
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  
  I think I just explained that. But I'll say this here...
  
  I saw this documentary about a kid who ran away from home. There was some possibility that he was going to kill himself. The police had found journal entries suggesting that he was considering it. The mother of the kid went on the tv and said, presumably to the kid, hoping he was somewhere watching the show, "If you think people don't care about or love you, you're wrong. Blah blah blah."
  
  Um.
  
  It's not about people caring about you or loving you. At least not all the fucking time.
  
  Right now I couldn't care less about whether or not somebody cares about me or not. Or loves me. But I can hear my fucking parents saying that, just like the mother of that kid.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  
  What the fuck does this question even mean? I've hurt myself other times too. I'll probably end up doing it again.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  
  No comment.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  
  No.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  
  None. I wanted to si and I si'ed, simple as that.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  
  No there weren't. And Si'ed helped the situation a lot, because it could have been a lot worse.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  
  No comment.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  
  Well. One of the women whom I was trying to get a second date with just texted me saying she's "reconnected with an old boyfriend" and is no longer available. She seemed to be available as shit three days ago though. If she could reconnect with an old boyfriend and thus become unavailable in three fucking days, she shouldn't have been putting herself out like she was when we went on the date.
  
  Little fucking... I won't use that word.
  
  Am I going to just have to ask every person the service sends me, "So, are there any boyfriends in the past that you may be 'reconnecting' some time in the next two days? Because if there is, let me eat my food in peace and get the fuck out of here."
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  
  Yes. When I'm pissed off and feeling like killing every person on the fucking planet including myself.
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  
  If I'm in that exact same situation with the exact same feelings, I hope I only cut myself.