before *SU*

[half/hearted]

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I will feel that I have been justly punished and will feel better. Then I'll feel worse for hurting myself, and afraid that my family will find out.

* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring control and take away control. It will make me feel like I'm in control, but in reality it will just give control to my depression.

* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to get past this depression. Hurting myself is just going to make that journey longer.

* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
I'll feel fine for the evening. The next day I'll feel terrible.

* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could call a hotline and talk to someone there.

* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I call a hotline, I won't feel guilty tomorrow.

* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I can call a hotline.

* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I'm going into a major depressive swing because my pdoc and T dumped me for trying to kill myself. It's also because I tried to kill myself. It's a vicious cycle - depression leads to suicide attempt, suicide attempt leads to depression...

* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I've called hotlines and they have helped me at least get through the night.

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I've posted on bus.

* How do I feel right now?
I feel like I'm crumpling up inside. At the same time, I feel huge and fat and disgusting. I feel like a disgrace to my family and everyone else who tries to help me.

* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I will feel nothing.

* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I will be numb for a while after hurting myself. Tomorrow morning I'll feel horrible and guilty.

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
There's not much I can change about the situation. Yes, I tried to kill myself. Yes, my doctors left me. All I can do is try not to kill myself in the future.

* Do I need to hurt myself?
No. Of course not. I never need to hurt myself. I need to get help, and fast.