bus

Don't worry about me. I'm not going to SI. I haven't SIed in a long while. I just want to explore why I'm still feeling the *urge* to SI. Very unlikely I would follow through, given my current situation. Unless my brain is keeping secrets from me, which also seems highly unlikely.

- edge

---

Before:

Before You S-H
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  I would feel more resolved and less conflicted. Not that the direction would be better. It would just be nice to have something tangible.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  It would bring complications: conflict over telling my therapist, conflict over why I did it, conflict over whether it is right or wrong
  It would take away some self respect and the trust of my treatment team.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want to feel less (emotionally). It would likely bring me closer at first, and then later I would have more conflicts (discussed above).
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  It doesn't seem like the best option. I just want to do it. The relief would probably last until morning, because I would go to sleep after. In the morning, I would beat myself up over it and probably not get very much homework done (don't know how much I will anyways... but that's another story).
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I could do the dishes, go to sleep, watch more TV, journal, do a mindfulness exercise, ... all of which would delay having to decide. Dishes would promote mastery. Going to sleep would be good self-care. Journaling could help process my feelings (or increase them). Doing a mindfulness exercise could help me to manage my feelings (or make them worse).
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  If I hurt myself, I would most likely feel bad tomorrow. If I did the other things I came up with, I would most likely feel better or the same tomorrow.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
  
  I want to stop thinking bad thoughts. I can best honor the self-protective instinct by making myself some tea and getting ready for bed.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  My therapist told me today that the treatment program I am in will be discontinued four months from now. I am just starting to see it helping and nothing has really helped till now, so I'm feeling kind of hopeless because now I need to find someplace else to go. Of course, if I'm doing better, maybe I just should be in therapy... but that thought makes me anxious, because it has become so comfortable. Also, I really like the place I go for therapy, because I'm used to it.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  I have been in similar situations, where things changed. I guess when I was in the hospital, it was kind of like this. I hated it at first and thought it was stupid and not helpful. Then I got used to it. Then they wanted me to leave and I got very anxious about it. When I shared my concerns, they decided to keep me there for an extra four nights. What I did to deal with it was... yah, I don't think I really dealt with it. I just told them that they could decide what I should do.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  So far I have watched a lot of TV, eaten lunch/dinner, updated my sticker chart, written a diary entry, recorded the experience on my therapy homework, hidden under the covers, cried, eaten cookies, fed my cat, played games on my computer, tried to sleep, thought, and come on bus.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Bad. Worthless, hopeless, anxious, pathetic, tired, worried, uncertain, confused, sad, hurt, alone. A tad destructive.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  I would feel powerful and destructive and numb and detached.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Afterward, I would feel slight regret, more relief, less emotion. Tomorrow morning I would feel more conflicted.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  Avoid change? No. Deal with it better? Well... I am dealing with it better than I might have in the past, but I know there is probably something that would help.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  No, I just want to.