bus

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? It will be an honest expression . A howl of a wolf in the lonely landscape. It will be an honest act of who I am, of what I am now, instead of pretending all the time, pretending that I am normal, pretending that there is a 'better' for me. It will change my situation because it will end 7 months of not cutting and start me on a path of trying to realize that I (1) am a cutter and (2) want to express my deep distress at realizing I've been chasing a dream of normal for 20 years, I am never to be what I was going to be before the trauma.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? It will bring a sense of my real identity, of what I am after the years of trauma. It will take away some of the threads that keep my anchored in the 'normal' lie; which everyone around me wants to be real for me. God, why doesn't anyone realize that I can't fake forever for them?
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? It's a slippery slope. It will be up to me to keep it in control and make sure that I don't let the cutting run me, that I learn to use it. I can't change my mind and freak out about it. I can't even let anyone know.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? If I don't freak out about it, the relief will be as long as I keep cutting. Yes, it will start a cycle that will never end.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation I'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? Well, I gave myself until today to wait and think about it. It's today and I still am wondering about it. I am going clearance shopping this morning instead of being alone to put it off for just a tiny bit more. I asked pdoc for a mild anti psychotic prn, I'll be picking that up today, just in case my thinking is off, maybe that will help.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? If I hurt myself today, then tomorrow I will hurt myself again If I don't hurt myself I'll be in the same place I am today, poised and ready will a deep sadness and anger in my heart that I am not who I was meant to be because of the years of trauma. I will never be constant enough to have friends, I will never be rid of the flashbacks and fear. My husband thinks I have no reason to have any problems and he hates me for my symptoms. it makes it hard to be in such a non supportive environment. I wish he would just divorce me and then i wouldn't have to see his hate everyday.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really want to commit suicide, but htat door is closed. I think cutting is honoring it.


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? Wait, wait ,wait I used to talk to my T. but she is gone, they all are.
• How do I feel right now? Like a bubble about to pop. Sad for not having any real life support.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself? Perfect.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? Probably sore, mixed feelings.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? No, thats the problem. I've been in denial for 20 years. I'll never be who I was meant to be. I am a shell of who I was meant to be. I am damaged, I am useless, I am nothing in the real world. I can't make friends, my husband hates me, I can't work, I will never 'get better'. The flashbacks will never stop. My chest hurts.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

Ah, the need and want. I NEED support, someone who won't hate me for being confused about the past the present. Someone who understands how upset I am, someone who will hug me when I'm overwhelmed. That is what I need. In lieu of that cutting is my way.