bus

This is my first slip in a long time. This happened around Friday lunch-time, so this won't be all so accurate as it wasn't completely immediately after the slip.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  I washed them.
• what had happened just before?
  I was talking to one of my best friends, Dannie. We were discussing why life was amazing for us both at the time. I mentioned I was a little afraid, because there was a possibility this amazing-ness could slip away within the blink of an eye. I became very afraid, nervous, hopeless and unsure.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  Before I said it, I never really considered the possibility that this new-found social life and serenity could go. I remembered how things were, or how things could be in a worst-case scenario. I felt fear, nervous, hopeless, unsure and panicked.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  No final straw. Just a scenario I'd never considered.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  It didn't. I was just talking. Something just clicked.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  I think I was pretty well rested, and there was nothing intoxicating in my system.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  I tried to reason with myself. I became too panicked to listen to myself.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  I could have carried on talking to Dannie, I could have waited until the end of the lesson for my emotions to calm down.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  I will write them down or learn them.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  I don't wanna sound like an attention whore. But after it was done I told Ben. I was pretty much shaking at the time. He assured me that it would take something big to dislodge my place in the group, and that things couldn't leave just 'like that'. He hugged me and asked me not to do it again, and said if I wanted to again that I should text him. I felt calmer. I'm still afraid, but not panicked anymore.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  Probably. But because I'm aware of that emotional place now (I wasn't aware of it before), I can probably take better steps towards dealing with it.
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  Talk to myself more forcefully.
  Distract myself.
  Wait at least 30 mins.