before
Posted: Wed Nov 11, 2009 11:07 pm
Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
desperation
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
it won't but i DONT CARE!!!
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will make me feel beter, it will stop me crying in front of my bf and looking like a needy brat but i won't get any closer to being honest either.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
further away - i hate not being able to talk to people; i am ready to scream and howl and i did the other night, quietly in the bathroom i sat and sobbed for 2 hours but now all i wanna do is cry again and i am so sick of being sad and mopy - i don't want it to become a habit that every time i slow down i get sad.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
i dunno. a couple of days, maybe a week, or more, depends how long it takes to heal. i'll probably be back here. i just don't want to cry in front of anyone but i'm so desperate for someone to care and see me and know what a mess i am and how hard it is to smile and be bouncy all freakin day. i am so tired.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
work. i have tons of studying. but i'll still want to cut. it won't change the situation, i could cry but i'm too ashamed to be so needy. i hate myself for being needy and not allowing myself to be needy. ARGH!
i can sleep but the problem will be back. i still need to open up in therapy but HOW??? how do people just do this? how can ANYONE tell me how? 
seriously.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
crap i suppose, and proud. crap. and over it.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
cry, and sob and to talk, just go to tpy and talk - but oh wait it's 12am...lol...i need to go totpy when i'm in this state, not on schedule when i'm clammed up like an idiot. maybe i can tell my tpist that... *Strokey beard pose* i could phone my tpist cos he's told me that's wot i should do but i dont wanna wake him up or bitch to him about nothing but i do but i don't want my bf to know. *sob* i am so close to crying
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
i think so. went down stairs and chatted about stupid stuff to mates, but no one's here.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
phone tpist. but i won't.
How do I feel right now?
so so fragile and hurt and desperately sad
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
now, probably awful. if i hadn't thought about it i'd probably feel great.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
numb, buzzy. crap.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
talk. that's all i have to do is fucking talk... and i can't i'm 22 and i can't tell ppl, not even my best mate or tpist wat's going on.
Do I need to hurt myself?
no. and i won't for the moment. *sob* the system's pretty useful...still feel shitty tho
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
desperation
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
it won't but i DONT CARE!!!
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will make me feel beter, it will stop me crying in front of my bf and looking like a needy brat but i won't get any closer to being honest either.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
further away - i hate not being able to talk to people; i am ready to scream and howl and i did the other night, quietly in the bathroom i sat and sobbed for 2 hours but now all i wanna do is cry again and i am so sick of being sad and mopy - i don't want it to become a habit that every time i slow down i get sad.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
i dunno. a couple of days, maybe a week, or more, depends how long it takes to heal. i'll probably be back here. i just don't want to cry in front of anyone but i'm so desperate for someone to care and see me and know what a mess i am and how hard it is to smile and be bouncy all freakin day. i am so tired.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
work. i have tons of studying. but i'll still want to cut. it won't change the situation, i could cry but i'm too ashamed to be so needy. i hate myself for being needy and not allowing myself to be needy. ARGH!
i can sleep but the problem will be back. i still need to open up in therapy but HOW??? how do people just do this? how can ANYONE tell me how? seriously.how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
crap i suppose, and proud. crap. and over it.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
cry, and sob and to talk, just go to tpy and talk - but oh wait it's 12am...lol...i need to go totpy when i'm in this state, not on schedule when i'm clammed up like an idiot. maybe i can tell my tpist that... *Strokey beard pose* i could phone my tpist cos he's told me that's wot i should do but i dont wanna wake him up or bitch to him about nothing but i do but i don't want my bf to know. *sob* i am so close to crying
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
i think so. went down stairs and chatted about stupid stuff to mates, but no one's here.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
phone tpist. but i won't.
How do I feel right now?
so so fragile and hurt and desperately sad
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
now, probably awful. if i hadn't thought about it i'd probably feel great.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
numb, buzzy. crap.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
talk. that's all i have to do is fucking talk... and i can't i'm 22 and i can't tell ppl, not even my best mate or tpist wat's going on.
Do I need to hurt myself?
no. and i won't for the moment. *sob* the system's pretty useful...still feel shitty tho