bus

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  I'll feel less jittery and manic and go back to where I was before. Plus a bleeding appendage, but it's better than feeling like this.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  It will bring a sense of calm, a sense of control. I'll hate myself for it, though.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I honestly can't think about the long run right now. My mind is racing too fast.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  Probably until I wake up tomorrow. If I cut, I can calm down and go to sleep.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I can stay on BUS, but that'll only last until someone wakes up. It distracts me. I have no idea what I'll do after this. I'll probably end up cutting anyway. Or maybe I'll write. Yeah, that sounds okay, but not as good as cutting would be.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  I'll hate myself, as opposed to feeling like a crybaby.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really want to wake up my friend, but it's kinda 4 am where I am now, and that's probably not the best option. Or maybe it is. I think I can make it until she wakes up for summer school.


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  I wrote a short story that got me out of the depressive, apathetic mood I was in previously, but the excitement in writing has made me a little too excited, and I'm about to bounce off the wall if I don't do something quick.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  In similar situations, yeah. But that was before I knew better so I cut. I felt horrid, of course, like I always do afterward. But at least I could sleep.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  Stay on BUS and hope to God my friend wakes up early.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Panicky. I don't know what's wrong with me! Why do I feel this way? Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy?~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Blank, empty. It's like I'm starting fresh, as far as my emotions go.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  After hurting myself, I'll probably feel apathetic and tired, so I'll cry a bit and then go to sleep. Tomorrow, I'll feel guilty.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  I don't know how, because I don't know when these moods are going to strike. It can be anything. I can be all normal feeling and then someone'll mention waffles or something and I'll get all jittery and weird. And it works in reverse, too.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  If I want sleep and peace of mind, yes. If I can live without them for a little while, then no.