bus

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  I might feel less sick to my stomach, and less out of control
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It will refocus me onto my physical self, instead of the emotional. It will take away my opportunity to deal with my acute primary emotions in a constructive way
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I want to be able to handle visits with my mother without feeling anxious, depressed and ashamed. Harming myself will make me feel less able to handle this situation in the future. I am more likely to panic in anticipation of my next visit with my mother.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  Until I stop bleeding. I will hopefully be better able to tolerate these emotions then as they will probably feel less urgent. I will answer the after questions in my journal so that I can discuss them with my T this week.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I could go visit with the friends my cousins have over - this will compound the situation by triggering my social anxiety. I could walk the dog - this will give me time to think and ruminate without an opportunity to self harm at the moment. I could tell my aunt I needed someone to sit with me - this will probably increase my immediate feelings of shame.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  I will feel slightly ashamed to have self harmed. I might still feel urgey if I try to distract myself instead.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

Cry. I want to cry.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.