It won't. In this situation, chances are I probably wouldn't feel any better...just calmer.
* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It won't bring anything to or take anything away from the situation. It's not really even my situation to be in.
* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
SI would probably make me feel worse in the long run, especially since I'm so close to making a month SI-free.
* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It won't last long. Maybe a couple hours...then I'll be stuck dwelling on how I can't fix the situation *and* the failure of SI.
* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I'm trying to watch TV, and post, anything to distract myself quickly...hopefully will be able to deal with the helplessness by distraction until I can convince myself that helplessness isn't something I can change at the moment.
* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I'll feel awful if I SI. If I don't, I might feel a small victory and hopefully won't dwell so much on the fact that I can't help the people I want to help.
* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really want to be able to help the kids that were in the JDC Alateen meeting that I went to tonight. But I can't. It's out of my control, and it's killing me to know that. I don't know what I can do to honor the self-protective instinct because to protect others would protect myself in a way. I need to figure out how to focus on my feelings rather than my need to help those I can't help. If that makes sense at all.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I want to SI because I feel totally out of control and cannot help the people I want to help. I hate this feeling. I was brought to this point because I went to a JDC Alateen meeting with my mom [who's a sponsor] and listened to the others share about, put bluntly, how fucked up their lives are and how the JDC staff weren't helping them enough and I feel SO helpless because I can't help them. And I want to help them.
* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
This particular scenario? No. The need to help those I can't in general? Yes, many times. And often I ended up SI'ing. I can't remember how else I've dealt with it.
* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Tried to avoid being alone. Watching a stupid movie that my grandmother put on. Facebook. Talking to mom [though not about SI - just about the meeting in general]. I can try to use distractions...the distraction forum or something...I can play with the dog...I don't know. Ugh.
* How do I feel right now?
Tense and uptight. Like a failure for being unable to help. Stressed. Tight chest. Anxious.
* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Some relief, control.
* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Short-term relief...but tomorrow, I'll be pissed at myself for slipping.
* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I could stop going to meetings...but I don't want to. I'm not sure how to deal with it better. Maybe get a stress ball...or try to talk to a friend. Or something.
* Do I need to hurt myself?
I don't need to...but the urge is pretty damn strong. I've been doing so well and fought some really strong urges, but this one is worse. Probably since I've not SI'd in so long. In two days, it'll be a month. So frustrating.
