bus

the urge isn't very strong but i keep thinking "it would be so easy". i found an old tool a few days ago and i know it won't be as satisfying as a different tool, but still it's so easy to imagine using it. i feel like my motivation to stop is not as strong as it used to be. my reason was mostly because i wanted to see what it was like without si and now i know but don't really care.

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i will push myself into using si regularly again, i will let myself and other people down.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  validation. it will give me a quick-fix solution to any emotional issue, it will probably give me a reason to look for help again. it will take away my pride at going so long without it. it will take away some dignity as i probably will let my sister know and she will be disappointed and concerned.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  in the long run i want to be "better" and si-ing now will make that more difficult because my emotions will be about si, punishment/reward, not about the current issues and dealing with them.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  it will last maybe a week. i will be on a high then on a relieved low as i will feel guilty but free to si. i will probably find it easier to get help (esp with my sister's assumed input), but i may not get the help i want if si urges take my attention.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could read. i want to read but only when i'm a little calmer? i could make something to eat. maybe play games on the computer.
  *hopefully* i will find something that will lift my mood and distract me from si urges. if i get through tonight without si, i might have a few days, maybe weeks, without urges. i hope to make a drs appt to get some input into my moods and other coping skills, hopefully in the next week or so.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i've si'd - tomorrow i will feel callous and reckless but also in-control and powerful.
  if i get distracted, tomorrow will be slightly anxious (from things i have to do tomorrow), but once that's over i might feel better than today.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  i really want to do something, and maybe making some food will give my hands more to do. then i will go read and listen to music. it honors my self-protectiveness to read in bed with music going, since i can snuggle into the covers and maybe get emotional over the music. i hope it calms me down rather than makes me more urgy.

i hope the music works for you.