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write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:



how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I will be more powerful. I will be able to handle all the work I need to do and not be so emotional. I will also be able to ask for help and it will be obvious that I need it.


what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
I will be able to feel comfort by having the SI. I will also have possible consequences that may be more than I really want - from husband, T. I really want them to mind there own business, but I may not be able to hide this for more than a week or so.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
Maybe I can get through what I need to do this month without the extreme SI, but I dont know. Everytime I look at the calendar, I feel sick and I start to ruminate again, I just want to get the work done and have my SI for company. I wish it didn't impact others and was just mine.


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
I am concerned about the long term consequences. Will people think I am not a good parent (which I am) becasue I SI in a bad way? Will my husband try to divorce me or make me leave the house?


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I can take a nap until I have to make dinner and when I wake up I should feel a little more stable.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I will just be ruminating more if I wait until tomorrow. I am angry and I will still be angry tomorrow, but it I SI it should make all that go away.


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to talk to my old T. I want to go to the hospital that helps me. I want all my every day responsibilities to go away until I figure this out, but I can't becasue I am responsible for so much. My husband doesn't want me to go to the hospital and I don't blame him.


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer



Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I am tired of trying for so long. Things just aren't any better after T. left a year ago. I am still struggling everyday and things are still just as hard. I don't think I will be able to get over this.


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I am waiting. Trying a new T. Trying to refresh my DBT skills from 15 years ago.


How do I feel right now?
Tired. Sad. A little scared of what I am going to do.


How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Good. Been rumintating for a long time about this, how I will do it, with what (have everything I need now), and how long I could hide it


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Again, glad. To finally be done with the ruminating. I will probably be anxious about hiding it, and wondering if new T. will be upset that I am not going to tell her if I do it.


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
No avoiding the fact that people leave and I can't deal. I would like to deal better. Its been a year since she left and I am beginning to realize that I have a major flaw in me because I can't deal. I don't know what to do.


Do I need to hurt myself?
I can keep putting it off. Its a major new way to SI and may have long term consequences, so I need to absolutely sure that I am ready to live with that. I figure I need to wait a little longer..?

Hi. I'm reading. I've got some questions.

I will be more powerful.

Will you be more powerful, or will you feel more powerful? Because I don't think SI gives you any power you don't already have.

I will also be able to ask for help and it will be obvious that I need it.

If you ask for help without SI, do you think people won't believe you need it? Is this feeling based on past experience, or purely emotional? Is there anything else you can think of that would make it clear that you need help?

I really want them to mind there own business, but I may not be able to hide this for more than a week or so.

Do you think that your husband and your T have a right to concern themselves with your SI? If you don't want your T getting involved with your SI issues, what do you want from them?

I will just be ruminating more if I wait until tomorrow. I am angry and I will still be angry tomorrow, but it I SI it should make all that go away.

Will it go away, or will it be postponing dealing with things? I've never seen SI make difficult feelings go away permanently, so I'm wondering if that's the case with you or not. And a month is a long time to postpone things.

I want to go to the hospital that helps me. I want all my every day responsibilities to go away until I figure this out, but I can't becasue I am responsible for so much. My husband doesn't want me to go to the hospital and I don't blame him.

It sounds like you want to SI severely. That could interfere with your ability to meet your responsibilities. Severe SI could cause serious physical damage, temporarily or permanently incapacitating you, and it could result in involuntary hospitalization if it's sever enough. Have you taken that into account?

Why doesn't your husband want you to go to the hospital? Would it make a difference if he knew about your current urges?

Thank you zazie for taking the time with my 'before'. You asked some really good questions. I'll see what I can do with them.

zazie wrote: Will you be more powerful, or will you feel more powerful? Because I don't think SI gives you any power you don't already have.
Thats a good point. I will feel more powerful, but I am actually 'calling up my own power, yes?. This is such a deep impulse it doesn't seem to make sense to me. But it seems necessary. I am experienced enough to know that my thinking must be wrong on this as some of your questions point out, the question is how am I going to let that into myself?



If you ask for help without SI, do you think people won't believe you need it? Is this feeling based on past experience, or purely emotional? Is there anything else you can think of that would make it clear that you need help?

I think that the people around me (husband) doesn't believe me when I tell him that my thinking is off. And its a big burden when I go to the hospital. He just wants everything to be fine and I think he thinks that I can be 'fine' if I just want to be. So if I can say, things are out of control in regards to SI, he will believe me.
I'm not sure if there is anything else I can think of, my old T. would call him and tell him if I needed help, but I have a shiny brand new T. (2 sessions) and I don't know if she could tell him that my thoughts are messed and its best if I go.

Maybe I need to learn how to deal in the real world and quit bellyaching and tough this out and not act and not go the hospital. That would be good for everyone.

Do you think that your husband and your T have a right to concern themselves with your SI? If you don't want your T getting involved with your SI issues, what do you want from them?

I just don't want my husband angry with me for not getting better and then having him try to divorce me and take my children away. I am 100% invested in my kids and I am really there for them. I am the main caregiver and I fear his reaction if I try to go the hospital.

My T. is brand new and I haven't had a T. for a bit and I got used to making my own decisions about whether to cut or not. I am not sure what I want from her. That is a good question and something for me to think about.

Will it go away, or will it be postponing dealing with things? I've never seen SI make difficult feelings go away permanently, so I'm wondering if that's the case with you or not. And a month is a long time to postpone things.

Postpone what? Anger is useless! It won't bring back my old T., it won't make my life work. Functioning is what I prize. Its the only thing that makes a difference in my life. Making the house more organized and liveable. Not being afraid of real life, looking to a future. My emotions freeze me and make me non-functional. They are overblown and useless. At least cutting frees me to function. Anger is a waste.

It sounds like you want to SI severely. That could interfere with your ability to meet your responsibilities. Severe SI could cause serious physical damage, temporarily or permanently incapacitating you, and it could result in involuntary hospitalization if it's sever enough. Have you taken that into account?

Yeah, there are some consequences I may not want. The calendar is full of activities for the kids for the last 2 months of school and girl scout camping, etc.. cleaning out a room with boxes almost to the ceiling to make a room for my daughter. I have to make sure I can do these things, but I think the SI will bring me up and super functioning, but then it will bring me down in a while.

Why doesn't your husband want you to go to the hospital? Would it make a difference if he knew about your current urges?

I try to tell him, but he doesnt' want to know. I don't know what to do.

Thanks again Zazie. Peace!

Thanks for the answers. It gave me a much clearer view of your situation. Glad I could help.

I understand that SI can make you feel more powerful, even when it doesn't make you more powerful. As long as you can recognize that it isn't true, it's useful to remind yourself of the fact.

I'm wondering if you could maybe try for something more obviously indicative of it being in distress than 'my thinking is off' (which I wouldn't know how to interpret) while still expressing yourself in words? Like telling your husband and/or therapist that you feel a strong urge to SI, and you're having trouble controlling yourself? I can see that you have problems with your husband listening, and I don't think it's a simple matter of not communicating correctly. I am wondering if you being more direct would make any difference or not.

I don't know if it's a simple case of needing to "learn how to deal in the real world and quit bellyaching and tough this out and not act and not go the hospital". I mean I'm not you, obviously. My past experiences on this front, however, suggest that the problems are real enough that they need to be dealt with. I think hospitalization is far from ideal, but I think it's better than severe SI. I think if you can find a way of acknowledging that the problems are real and avoiding both the hospital and SI, that's even better.

I'm not suggesting you should be angry. I'm just wondering if the anger will go away if you SI, or if it will linger in the back of your mind. When I SI, the feelings behind it tend to linger in the back of my mind, and come back to haunt me in the future, which is part of the reason I know SI isn't good for me. I'm wondering if it's the same for you. Will SI make you no longer angry at all, or will you find the same anger coming back in the future if you SI to deal with it? Regardless of whether anger's useful or not, it's there right now, and the question is what is the best way to deal with it.

I can see some problems with the new T, and reluctance to open up. That's difficult, and understandable. I don't know if you think you can push things and open up more with the new T. It sounds like it would be good if you could.

I don't think the picture you've painted of SI is terribly realistic. I don't think it's safe to assume SI will leave you 'super-functioning', especially if you're thinking of worse SI than usual. It can be unpredictable. Lots of people have sudden instances of SI not working, or the relief not lasting.

Hi Zazie, I was so amazed at what you wrote about my communication.

I'm wondering if you could maybe try for something more obviously indicative of it being in distress than 'my thinking is off' (which I wouldn't know how to interpret) while still expressing yourself in words? Like telling your husband and/or therapist that you feel a strong urge to SI, and you're having trouble controlling yourself? I am wondering if you being more direct would make any difference or not.

I realized that I have not been being clear. I went to pdoc yesterday and he seemed to not get it, but I said " my thinking is off". You're right, if I say I have a strong urge to SI in a way that I don't usually SI, that may get me the help I need, without actually following through with it.

I tried it with my husband this morning and he did listen a little bit. But he called the SI 'crap' which hurts me. I have severe PTSD and have been letting in how much that 6 years of my life has affected me. But when he says stuff like that, it just brings back feelings that it's my fault. I'll just ignore him and try to tell my T. on thursday.

I think if you can find a way of acknowledging that the problems are real and avoiding both the hospital and SI, that's even better.

Thats what I want to do. If I can do that, work on it, without the SI and stay in real life. I would consider it a huge accomplishment.

But thank you for the clear words. I didn't realize that I wasn't being clear Your insight should help me over the next few days. Thank you!

I tried again with H. and it worked. I was clear about what I wanted to do, and he engaged in a positive conversation with me. He apologized for saying ' crap' before.
He didn't know. I've been saying my thinking is off for over a month and he said he didn't know what that meant. I had no idea. I thought that he didn't care, and here I wasn't communicating.
I'll try it with T. on Thursday.

I'm glad it worked so well. Some things that seem really obvious to one person can turn out to be totally confusing to other people.

Good luck with your T!

Inthebox wrote:I tried again with H. and it worked. I was clear about what I wanted to do, and he engaged in a positive conversation with me. He apologized for saying ' crap' before.
He didn't know. I've been saying my thinking is off for over a month and he said he didn't know what that meant. I had no idea. I thought that he didn't care, and here I wasn't communicating.
I'll try it with T. on Thursday.

Wow, good job! I hope you're really proud of yourself for communicating with your husband like that!

Mia