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Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  Not that much. I might have the scar part of me is craving. Right now I think I probably won't but could possibly (based on the previous slip) and if I SI again, it'll be be more likely I do, but still far from sure.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  A lot of pain if I follow through with the idea in my head. A lot of pain and some fear. This idea scares me. Some relief, probably. Worry about going to the doctor with whatever's giving me the cough, because I'll be scared about him seeing SI-marks.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want to feel like everything that's happened with me is real. Like it's not going to just be erased if I stop. Like if I want it, I can get sympathy and support for the stuff I've dealt with and am dealing with, which I haven't sought much support for. The idea of not ever being able to get the support scares me.
  
  It feels like it'll make things better, but I'm pretty sure it won't. I've heard from a lot of people with similar feelings, and it doesn't seem to help. And I know that as long as I don't entirely know if it's going to leave a scar or not, it doesn't alleviate the urge for a scar.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  Maybe tonight. Then again for a few weeks if I did get a scar. But I wouldn't know for a while. Not much relief altogether.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I can read or watch TV until I'm sleepy, and then sleep. Then tomorrow I can either call for a doctor or go back to work, depending on how I feel. The smart thing is to call for a doctor. Whatever I've got is lingering for a couple weeks and feels pretty ick.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  If I hurt myself - scared. Morbidly fascinated with my own injury. Worried. Guilty. Oddly satisfied.
  
  If I do the other thing - rested. Urgy, but maybe only mildly.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want attention, honestly. I want a degree of sympathy. I want to ramble on about my problems and feel like it's a reasonable response to the situation.

I want to make the urges go away (for now). I can try distraction which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't, or I can try SI, which always works temporarily and never works long-term. The SI option is not a good idea.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  General life-stress and unresolved problems. Difficulty talking to people about what I want and how I feel. Especially in person. I really have a problem asking for things or saying I need help.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  Not here. I don't exactly know these feelings.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I've posted on here. I've started a place. I made sure I got up and showered today, and got some decent food, despite being sick and spending much of the day in bed. I tried to talk about things.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Mixed up. A lot of stuff I feel and want is a big jumble. I don't actually feel that bad, though. Mostly just a lot of thoughts coming up.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Nervous. Relieved. Excited. Morbidly fascinated with my own pain.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Sore. Scared. Guilty. Relieved of urginess.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  I'm not sure how. I can be careful of myself when sick. I can take breaks between reading posts about SI scars. I can post about my feelings here, where everyone treats it like it's real. I can go to the doctor, so I'm not low-grade sick for too long. Those might help.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

No. I really don't. It's a want, not a need.

Well done for posting here. And please do go to the doctor. Looking after yourself physically is so important (and it always helps me with how I feel mentally.) Even if you do SI, most doctors are very supportive. Though if the idea of not wanting to show your doctor SI scars is helping you combat urges I fully support that as well.

I hope you feel better soon.

S x

Thanks. I didn't SI, and I am calling around trying to get doctor's appointments. Unhelpfully, the first one to actually talk to me today said I could make an appointment in July (if I'm not over the cough in two months, I'm going to need something more urgent than an office visit), but I'm keeping at it.

I ended up doing something. The least damaging thing I could do to meet the urge, but still.