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Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  I feel a more steady sense of relief.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  It will bring more scars, it will bring relief and it will bring a freedom from the feeling of being overwhelmed. It will upset my gf, especially as she has been trying really hard to help me with it.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want to feel alone in my head, like my thoughts are my own and are untouched by the past. I'm not sure if si will have any impact at all on this.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  I will probably feel better until I wake tomorrow with another bad dream.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I could ask for another massage, I could go for another walk, I could try the twenty things I've done since 6am but none of them seem to be helping.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  I will feel a little guilty for giving in to it. I will feel selfish for taking up someone else's time or for taking that much time to just do something for myself.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really want to be able to sleep uninterrupted. I want it to be september already so I have a purpose again and that I'm not the family failure.


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  I woke after having a nightmare/flashback type dream and cause it's so vivid it's like I feel as bad as I did at the time and I just can't handle it anymore.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  Most of the time I ignore it, and internalise my emotions and eventually it goes away, but after time it builds to becoming this massive pressure that I can't deal with any longer.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I have walked, had sex, written some stuff and run a little. I can go out for food I can't afford to make me feel something good.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  I feel angry, alone, violated and empty.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Calm, purer.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Guilty, tired, probably having to deal with all the same emotions, just a little calmer.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  no, it is always with me and I can't find a way to move on and deal with it better.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

I feel like I do, just so I can function more normally.

Hey. I just want to say that it's good that you took the time to look over things, think about what's going on with you, and try alternatives to SI before deciding you needed it, instead of just going for it the moment you got urgy.