bus

[*]have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

Yep.

[*]what had happened just before?

I'd run out of ideas for how to distract myself tonight.

[*]what were you thinking and feeling?

I was mostly thinking about how I wanted to SI, and how I shouldn't, and the varying issues I had with my ideas for helping myself and how I didn't know if it was 'letting' myself SI by not trying to guilt myself out of it. And I remembered an old method of getting tools I used to use.

[*]why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

I combined trying to tidy up and organize things as a distraction with moving tools out of the room. And I kept going past where I put the tools. And I'd run out of the ways to distract myself I'd had planned.

[*]how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

I could have flushed the tool I put together before using it. I could have put the tools further out of the way, and found a different form of distraction.

[*]were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

I've had a bit of alcohol tonight. Not what I generally consider too much.

[*]what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

I tried distraction. I tried getting the kind of food I was craving. I tried posting on here. I tried replying to people here.

Obviously, nothing worked. They all gave me a bit of time and distraction.

[*]in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

I don't know. I really don't know. I can think of any number of things I could have tried, but right now it doesn't feel like anything would have helped.

[*]name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

Try to have less potential for tools. I can't get rid of all possible tools (because I have to live in a functioning apartment, and I tend to use whatever I can find that works), but I can keep away the stuff that has the most potential for harm.

[*]how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

It's not resolved. It's eased a bit, temporarily. It'll come up again if I don't work on it.

[*]are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

I am. There's a train of thought that runs through my head and builds. I can see it coming.

[*]what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

This is tricky, because stuff that I know to try works sometimes, but not every time.
[/list]

Staying out of the rooms with the tools.

Posting directly on the specific issue.

Finding a crisis line or something so I can get more immediate feedback.

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

• What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
  
  I don't know if it was more appealing than any other. It was more appealing than some, because I remembered how to get tools that led to more blood, which satisfied me more.
• Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
  
  I made it, mostly. Some elements were there, and are always going to be there, but mostly I worked for it. I wanted it.
• What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
  
  I don't know. I can't envision no opportunity outside of a mental hospital. Maybe not even then. I use whatever's handy if I want it bad enough.
• If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
  
  I don't know. I can't picture it.
• What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
  
  Tools+urge are the big ones. Being alone is a bonus, but I've done it in front of people without them noticing before.
• If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
  
  Scared, I think.

It sounds like you did try really hard to not give into the urge. You should be proud of that. S x

Thanks.

That's really helpful, actually. A lot of times, after I SI, I get hung up on the idea that because I didn't manage to prevent it, I'm not really trying, or I'm not trying very hard. It's good to get someone else confirming that's not the case.