Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
Temporary relief. Some guilt. Part of me will feel validated on some level, like I can confirm I have real problems and deserve support and sympathy.
I know I have real problems. And I know you don't have to have problems to deserve support and sympathy. But part of my mind is having trouble getting that. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It'll bring a kind of confirmation. Temporary relief. It'll make me feel justified about talking to people about my problems and seeking help. (I know I'm justified already, but again, part of my mind has trouble believing it.)
It'll take away confidence. It'll diminish, but not completely take away, the feeling that I'm making progress. It'll take away a kind of fear, actually. I think I'm a bit afraid of being okay, that not only will I not be able to get the kind of support I sometimes want, but am denying myself, but that I'll never get it because I won't have the right to it.
This is, when I look at it intellectually, not terribly rational. Getting better doesn't mean I'll keep wanting it and have to do without it, and it doesn't happen in one fell swoop. A few positive steps don't mean I have no problems, and when I'm completely better, I'll be okay with only getting the kinds of support a healthy person needs.
But a lot of my problem is the gap between intellectually knowing certain things, and really feeling like they're true. - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
This is tricky. Because part of me really wants to be better, and it takes me farther from that. And another part of me is scared of doctors and doesn't want to need them, and it takes me farther away from that. But another part of me wants to have someone help me...and, on some level, wants someone else to fix things (I know it doesn't work like that, and hoping for someone else to fix things is hoping for things that won't happen), and it'd make me feel more justified when it comes to that. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
Tonight, maybe. Tomorrow I'd feel worse, but not much worse, to be honest. I can recommit myself and keep working at healthy and positive things (the St. John's Wort, the regular exercise, the healthy eating, the talking on here). I'm a bit scared of that. Because not having the piles of guilt and self-hatred about the prospect of slipping, or thinking slipping would ruin everything, makes it easier to entertain the prospect of slipping. At least for now.
I don't know what's best here. I don't know if it's better to go easy on myself and not hate and resent myself, or to have less chance of slipping. I want to believe that, even if the lack of self-hatred and guilt means more slipping in the short term, it'll make me better in the long term. But I don't know what's true. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I don't know. I could eat something, and that might work. But I'm not sure if eating when I don't need to (I had a good dinner tonight already) would be less bad than SI or not. I'm already overweight, and I don't need more calories.
I can wait until the dishes are done and put them away. I can pick up some things around the apartment. I can keep the TV on so I have some degree of distraction when I'm alone with my thoughts. I can drink more water (I think it might help). - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I hurt myself: Slightly guilty. Somewhat reassured (that I have real problems and can keep getting help). Somewhat worried (that I'm not making the progress I hope with my problems, and I might not be making progress, but just tricking myself into thinking I am). - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I started St. John's Wort, and tracking things like mood and SI urges. And I'm trying to get myself to exercise more again (I didn't completely fall behind, but I took it easy because of a bad cold). I'm kind of scared about getting better. That's translating into general tension.
Also, I put a tool I kept near the bed away. Which meant looking at it, touching it, and carrying it.
And I think some part of me honestly does just want attention, as bad as that sounds. And wants to feel like I deserve attention. - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Previously, when I've been scared about the prospect of getting better, I tended to dismiss and stifle the fears. Either ignoring them, or getting self-critical and harsh about them in fairly nasty ways. That didn't work out well. It led to a lot of ongoing self-hatred, and forms of SI I could pretend weren't (stuff that wasn't cutting). - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I turned the TV on and found some suitably distracting shows. Stuff that can get my attention, but won't bring me down or stress me out.
I picked up my apartment some and did the dishes. I told myself not to SI while I was doing that. Part of me was going, "But you can SI when you're done, right?", though.
I put the tool away further from me, although it may have backfired.
I drank some water.
I posted on here replying to other people. That frequently helps.
I wrote this. - How do I feel right now?
Nervy. Confused. Kind of guilty. Urgy. A little bit scared. - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Calm. Reassured. A little distant from my problems. - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Short-term - relieved and comforted. I'll feel like I'm real, and my problems are real, and I deserve to be here and I deserve help. I can look at the mark and get a sign that the problems are real.
Tomorrow. Kind of embarrassed. Kind of reassured. Kind of guilty. More embarrassed and guilty and less reassured than I'll feel tonight if I SI. - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I can't avoid it. I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it better. A combination of reminding myself of the truth of matters (I'm not going to lose all of my problems right away, and when they're completely gone, I won't feel like I need to anymore. - Do I need to hurt myself?
But I still want to. And I don't know if I will. I'll try not to.
Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.
