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I have nooo idea what was my trigger tonight. There could be so many things. I just lost it and cut my arms, only deep enough to bleed really long I have one really bad scar where I was interrupted and actually cut deeper but tonight was just regular cuts.
I guess my husband saw the blood and asked me to see my arms. At that time I was only on the deep inner arms next to the elbow but he still saw something. His reaction made the situation worse and I started blaming myself for everything that goes wrong in the marriage and the house and then I continued to cut a lot.
I really think I need to find a rehab mental health group but I am in a foreign land where they speak a foreign language and I do not want to leave my little kids (they are super young 4 are under the age of 4 and one is still breastfeeding. They do have welleness things for women here in Germany where you can take kids but I am unsure about having to speak another language and about who would help me with the kids in the evening- I need at this point to take off alone for a couple of weeks and settle things alone. I am still breastfeeding and do not want to give that up and might be willing to take only her. The only problem would be that we would have to ask my Mother-in-Law to watch the kids because i HAVE NO FAMILY HERE AND we have just lost our AuPiar.
do you have any ideas. I am so scared that the next time I cut it will be much worse. A cut that does not go away ans I do go away. Help me....

I think it's urgent that you get help. It's important enough that you can have your husband and/or your mother-in-law look after the kids (or call around and find another au pair). And if you can't find any way to do it that doesn't interrupt breast-feeding, interrupt it. Breast-feeding is good, but keeping yourself alive and safe is more important, especially if you're worried you might do something fatal.

You could ask the wellness for women thing? Tell them you're a foreigner and your German's not good, and ask if they can advise you on what to do? Maybe they're used to foreigners and can conduct things in English, or maybe they can offer you a recommendation for somewhere else that's good with English.

Would it be helpful to talk to your husband when he's calmer? I know this kind of thing can be shocking and upsetting for someone to see. Is he likely to be more helpful if you talk to him when he's had time to calm down and think, or is he still likely to react in a way you'll have trouble dealing with?

Thank you. I am up. It is 5 am here. I am having a panic attack. I was supposed to take all of the kids to the zoo today but after last night, I think that I cannot. I will be alone with them at home then and that is scary too. Not sure whether it is better to go, not feeling good or stay at home not feeling good. IF I stay at home, I can call around and find a therapist.
Maybe I will do that. I have to get help and fast.

You do need to get help fast.

I don't know which is best for you. I think finding a therapist sounds good, but I really don't know. But you need to think of yourself and your own well-being some. You being reasonably okay is best for the kids, and right now, you aren't. So if you feel like you're disappointing them or not doing the perfect thing right now, because you need to take care of yourself, don't feel bad. It'll be better for you and your family if you get yourself well.

I can only echo what zazie said. I really hope you manage to get help.

If you're really struggling would online English speaking support - like the samaritans website... or something like that... be of any use?

S x