Before (even though I feel I'll do it no matter what)

[arianwen1174]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
*I'll feel some control, won't feel so anxious, but also will feel defeated and sad

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
*Will bring more scars, a sense of control. Will take away at least some emotional pain.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
*Want to not feel the need to cut or burn no matter how hard things feel. Hurting myself will just make me want to do it more, so will take me further from feeling the need to do it.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
*Relief (after act is completely done) will last anywhere from a few minutes to a day or more. After that I will be upset with myself and will face even more urges to fight.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
*I could go to the bodies under siege section and reach out to others, work on a handmade card, try to go to sleep, lay with my husband so I know I won't do the deed. Doing one of those things would keep me from feeling the sadness, shame, etc after injuring. That change could last a variable amount of time.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
*For starters, I will hurt physically. Emotionally I'll be sad and frustrated with myself and one of my alters (I had DID) will berate me for injuring, saying that I deserved it. If I do something else I'll feel a sense of accomplishment, although will still be urging.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
*I really want to scream and yell and cry and throw things that break. And I really want to cut, I really do. To honor that self-protective instinct, I could journal about how I feel and what I wish I could do.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
*To take focus off emotional pain and to punish myself for being bad/not being good enough. I have been urging for days but what really brought me to this point right now was getting a voicemail message from a family my father is staying with, saying he's wondering how I am and hoping I'm okay. (He is a pedophile and abused me for many years when I was growing up, also abused my niece for a couple of years.)

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
*Yes, many times (though not with the exact situation this time). In the past I've used distraction and putting off the injuring, also have gone ahead and injured. When I've been able to distract I've felt I accomplished something but also have wished I had injured. When I've injured I've felt satisfaction, sadness, that I'm bad, all of those.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
*Ignored it as much as possible, distracted myself. I could try more distraction--work on a handmade card, dink around online.

How do I feel right now?
Angry that I'm in this spot. Sad, hurting, frustrated, confused.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Relieved, in control.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Relieved, in control, sad, frustrated, angry at myself. It is early morning now but this evening I will have mixed feelings, just as I would right after injuring.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I could not possibly have avoided this particular stressor since I couldn't have known what the voicemail message was before hearing it. But I can let these people know that I don't want contact with or about my father (except in dire emergency such as serious illness or death) and that if I feel the need to contact him I will do that myself, not the other way around.

Do I need to hurt myself?
NEED to? Seriously need to? Of course not. And yet I feel I do. I feel compelled to do it, to relieve the crap. But I don't truly need to do it.

[whisperings]

I came here feeling the same way and I saw you had posted here. I understand the feelings and the urges and I hope you find some way to not hurt yourself. I do care.

whisperings

[arianwen1174]

Thanks, W. I did end up harming but have not had urges since then, which sure makes a difference. I've been stuffing some pretty intense feelings since last night and am waiting for the sh*t to hit the fan for me. I want to let myself get emotional before my emotions take over me. I have a T appt tomorrow (Thurs) and that will surely help unleash the intense stuff that I've been shoving aside. I've worked hard to keep my mind off of things today but that can only last so far. The insiders have shut themselves up tight inside and that is so very eerie. It's just after 9 PM here and I'm going to take my sleepy-time meds by 11 so I can at least fall asleep without too much trouble and hopefully stay asleep and not have nightmares.

Hope you are keeping yourself safe. You are cared for!

[Paige1989]

I'm sorry your father triggered you. I understand - my adoptive/step-father and I haven't gotten along since he left my mom almost ten years ago...and my sister and I had a huge fight about my feelings toward him. It's really difficult to deal with. :-/

I'm glad you haven't had urges since, though.

~~Paige