bus

i'm not very urgy but i'm getting images of si in my head every so often and i want to have more idea of how to deal with them.

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i'll wreck lots of things, but feel better. the feeling better is only temporary though, it's probably not worth the consequences at the moment.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will bring, control, peace/space from my thoughts and feelings. it will bring more scars and probably the crappiness of trying to hide them in hot weather.
  it will take away the accomplishment of going so long without si.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  in the long run... i'm scared of the future... i don't want to tell myself i can 'never' si cos my natural inclination would be to rebel. for *right now* stopping si is what i want, and hopefully managing my feelings/moods better. hurting myself, no matter how small, would move me away from that goal (although a slip could be gotten past i guess).
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  the relief would last a few hrs, maybe a day. then i'd probably feel reckless and stupid for giving in and might be more likely to si. it would give me some other 'drama' to concentrate on and probably keep me distracted from the other stuff in my life (which is good to avoid a lot of stress but bad cos i don't think i've have the same emotional connection to people). i wouldn't do anything in particular, it would probably be easier to cope.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  right now, i should eat something. later today i could clean up a little, hopefully do washing. later this week i hope to organise getting my hair done which will help my mood a lot. in the coming weeks i'm not sure how i will cope (with moving and related stress), maybe being around my sister will keep me coping.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  i would feel a bit disgusted but secretly pleased. if i don't si, tomorrow i'll probably go out and do fun stuff, and be more likely to enjoy myself.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  i really want to skip the stressful days - numbing myself or sleeping or something. i know that's either unhealthy or impossible, so i guess i need to find some ways to manage my stress. i could start with writing a list, or a few, maybe find out some info that will make things easier later.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  it's addictive and i've gone ages without si? somehow that doesn't seem like a real answer to the question, but for me urges get worse the longer i go without it, and that's usually why i si again. si works. that's why i feel the need to use it - because otherwise i'm hurting with no "real" way of stopping it. stress is making it harder to rely on healthy solutions cos they don't work as well and i am less likely to use them (i guess i'm hoping i will si? i'm not sure how to motivate myself to use healthy methods)
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  no. which is a good thing lol - i've never gone this long without si before. i guess not giving in happens numerous times though (and giving in only once), but i'm not sure i learnt anything the 1001 other times i've not given in? every time is different, and the emotions and situation now is different.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  done a little cleaning in the past few days. planning to do something nice for myself.
  i kinda answered this earlier - lots of things to do.
• How do I feel right now?
  on edge? i feel worse than i did before, probably because i'm not distracted from my feelings as much. i also feel strength and hope that i can cope without si, so not all bad. maybe i need to cry later or something (but i'll probably go back to distractions).
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  powerful. amused. (ick, thinking of how it feels is a bit of a trigger. i like si-ing. but i'm not going to do it, so next question)
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  sad, numb, hopeless?
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  i avoid everything already probably no to both - when it's all over in 2 months i'll either be in a good situation or with lots of problems.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  no.

*si*







it's harder tonight. i feel like destroying myself with cuts would fix everything - pretty illogical i know. i don't want recent cuts on my arms for A and S to see, but i wouldn't mind that much either, i feel like they should see what a mess i am. i want to scare someone. i want someone to care. i want someone to listen. i don't want to be so scared of the future, being alone so much is getting old and i hate myself for not connecting to people.

i have a song in my head and i don't know why it makes me sad. the lyric is "am i what you wanted?". to me it means either i'm thinking there is no one close to me who "wants" me, or i'm wondering about my parents and thinking am i what they wanted. ie no. i hate her, i hate my mother. i want to strip off the bullshit and say that, but i can't. 1. because my sister and i are relying on her help for the next few weeks, and 2. because i wouldn't be able to say that without a getting properly angry or maybe if i was drunk or something.
like i said to my sister today - i'm rarely angry. she said "aren't you the person who's thrown a jar at the wall when you were angry?" and i thought, hey your memory is good (which it is, esp compared to mine). and i tried to explain that happens so rarely, not when i should be angry. when i should be saying what i want to say. instead it's an impulse, like si, that gets expressed when i can't cope any more. coping with anger i've stuffed inside myself never to have anyone see.
people think i'm weird when i say that have smashed things. people from my home town would find it hard to believe. people see the polite quiet person and forget that that very quiet very polite people are unnatural and unhealthy. inside i'm a monster. inside i'm the person thinking "if only i had more scars". "if only i could be one person instead of a person who rages inside the cage of a person who says nothing."
i'm sick. i'm a fucking crazy person.

ha. if anyone is reading this. you know what? i like this venting venomous person. i want to be the raging one not the quiet one. i want to be heard.

at least expressing whatever i'm expressing is something. the tears on my face feel like when blood tickles and runs down my body. part of me wishes it was blood, but instead it's harmless. not the raging? no one can see or hear me, so i would put that in the "quiet" box. always the quiet one.
don't they say "it's always the quiet ones" when talking about serial killers and psycho murderers i don't think i'd ever snap and do that, but it does feel like i fit in that sort of category. there are many quiet ones though, and not many kill. many just injure themselves instead

i feel calmer now. sorry about the triggers but i hope someone reads? *deep breath*