Before
Posted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 1:41 am
Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
I want this terrible anxiety to go away, I want the PTSD stuff to go away, I want my old T. back, cuz she knew me through and through, I want to not feel like a failure.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I will feel like the one that is in control and making decisions, instead of my T. just telling me that if I cut I will loose him or go to the hospital. This needs to be up to me and not him. I have a lot of stress before x-mas, a lot of things that need to be done and I'm never up to the job, I feel like a failure. When I cut, oddly enough, its like taking care of myself in a way that doesn't depend on other people. It will help lessen the PTSD memories that are bothering me. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? It will bring an end to my relationship with my T. We have our difficulties, but I won't see anyone else. It will be the end of therapy for me. Am I ready ? I don't know. It will bring the feeling of autonomy that I need. Also it will bring to the situation a sense of reality, that there is something wrong, really wrong, that x-mas functioning and smiling invalidate.
- how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? In the long run, I want to feel stronger and more self confident and I don't want to be victim to social anxiety or my memories of feelings that I am a failure.
- if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? The relief will be instantanious, but will mix with regret and remorse in dealing with those around me. I think I will be okay with it.
- what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? Wait until tommorrow to talk to T. and tell him how I am feeling. Read, do some stuff I've been putting off so I can feel better.
- how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? If I hurt myself, I will probably just want to do it again, it will open floodgate and I won't be able to tell anyone. If I don't I;ll have to deal with my T.- I don't know - everything will be the same, I guess.
- what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want this terrible anxiety to go away, I want the PTSD stuff to go away, I want my old T. back, cuz she knew me through and through, I want to not feel like a failure.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
