write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I usually feel calmer and more in control after I've si-d. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? It will bring immediate relief. It will take away the fight (ie not to) that is raging within me.
- how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel whole and happy again. I know it's possible because I've done it. I jsut can't remember how I got there. Hurting myself will bring immediate relief but then there's the weeks of hiding the scars until they've healed properly and being reminded that I am a very bad person for having done it (cut) - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? It seems like a good immediate option. I need to feel looked after and by hurting myself I give myeslf permission to look after me. The act of bandaging, plastering etc etc makes me feel cossetted and cared for.
- what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? I need to do smoething nice for myeslf but I don't know what that is. I need to sleep but am too wound up. I am currently playing scrabble on the internet and posting here. this is a good immediate solution.
- how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? Tomorrow I will feel disgusted, crap, horrible, miserable for giving in. I will also feel calmer, more together and less stressed. It's a double edged sword (pardonthe allusion!). If I go to bed nad sleep and dont' harm myself then I will at least feel rested but I won't feel calm. If I don' tthen tomorrow is another day of fighting agianst it. if I do then at least it is done and out of hte way and I can move forward.
- what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
Jane