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Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait. I'm fine.
• what had happened just before? A situation with my family got out of control.
• what were you thinking and feeling? Confused, overwhelmed, self hate, hurt
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time?was there an event that was the final straw?what was it? Si just happened so fast, like just lashing out, out of frustration, anger, I didn't take any time for any thought about it. It was a situation with my family that I don't want to talk about here.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage?
  trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw. Things had gone from bad to worse over the course of the day, over the course of alot longer really. It just happened too fast, I can't think of a point where I could've changed things, days earlier maybe, knowing I was to a boiling point, I should've done something, talked to my husband for help maybe, I couldn't work it out or find a way or a right time.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how? I had drank a couple days before, but it seemed to help. The last couple of days hadn't been sleeping well and had been having nightmares of tramatic things from long ago, a couple of the things that have really affected me, one nightmare from things over a year ago, one from 20 years ago. They brought back the helplessness and terror (terror's the wrong word...humiliation is what it was/is) and awfulness of those things. I have no idea how to stop nightmares from happening. Maybe resolving the things I feel about those times, but I can't anymore than I have. I've dealt with them as much as I can I think.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work? I didn't try anything, there just wasn't time.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they? I'm sure theres something, I just can't see what it could have been that would help that quickly. Maybe running and running and running, I don't know.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again. Just run maybe, I DON"T KNOW!!!!
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution? Like it wasn't fair to me, but its resolved, I don't feel anything like I did yesterday about it, It seems like nothing today.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation? Emotionally, it felt like self hate, and hurt, and being overwhelmed and I'm likely to feel that way again, yes. Maybe I can recognize it when it feels like things are happening too fast. Or feeling confused, like I can't get a grip on a situation.
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

Right now, I'm not sure if I should try anything. For around 8 months I have looked at si as something I absolutely can't resort to and haven't and I'm not really sure that its been worth having so much build up inside of me as it has. Maybe if I would have si'd once in awhile when I needed to, I wouldn't have gotten to feeling as bad as I have. I know it's not the right thing to do, but it's righter than getting to a point that I pick up a gun and blow my brains out. IF IF IF I want to start trying again, I guess a specific thing I could try in that same situation is I don't know, running and running is all I can think of.

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.
I don't understand.

• What made that opportunity more appealing than any other? It wasn't like a choice, it just happened.
• Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking? It just happened. I keep razorblades, because it feels like some kind of security to me to have that option, so I guess if I didn't keep them, I wouldn't have that opportunity, but I'd just do something else.
• What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge? If I didn't ;have razors, I'd pull my hair, or bang my head or claw or tear at my skin.
• If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased? probably increased
• What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling? I have to hide to do it enough for relief, but can do it slightly even when I'm with people without them knowing and I don't need tools if I really want to bad enough so I guess that leaves waiting for the right feeling, but it's not like I'm ever waiting for the right feeling...I AVOID that feeling, so I just dont' know how to answer this.
• If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?

I'd have to be tied up in a padded cell and THAT would be horrible. I'd feel, I can't think of the word, but the feeling is BAD.

After You Beat an Urge
How do you beat your urges? Examine how you beat the last one so it can help you beat the next one.
They're not all the same! The last was too fast to do anything with. Before that, I make myself believe that it won't change anything and it won't help. But that's not true, because it does help. Not the situation, but it helps how I feel.

• Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI? I think it was mostley self hate and feeling overwhelmed.
• If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
• What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
• Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
• If No - What coping skills got me through?
• Why do I think they worked?
• How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

It sounds like things are really tough right now. I understand your point about not wanting to let things build up to the point where you do something even more drastic than SI, but what if you took steps to prevent things from even building up to the point that you felt like you needed to SI? Things like self soothing and mindfulness of emotion, so you were aware of subtle shifts in your feelings and could take measures early on to prevent things from getting worse. Basically what I'm saying is why wait until it's so bad that you feel like SIing? Why not intervene earlier with some emotion regulation skills to help yourself feel better. I know sometimes something big will happen that will throw you into crisis mode, but if you are in the habit of attending to your emotions and additionally have worked to develop some distress tolerance skills (things like distraction, self soothing, etc.) it can buffer you against the effects of it. Again, I am sorry things have been so difficult and I hope things start looking up.

Thank you so much balletomane.
Yes, I do all those things regularly. Always keeping myself 'in check', ya know? I know when I'm getting to 'that' point, where I'll si and I do what I need to do to control that, so that I don't.
Distracting works well most of the time and sometimes soothing type things, but I've found that grounding works especially well for me. (there are 10 trees, this tree is tall, the leaves are green, the bark is rough, etc..) It takes me out of my head for long enough that I'll feel calmer after awhile of it.
I think that I just hadn't taken any 'me' time for any of that for too long and things just built up and then went beyond something I could handle and I just snapped.
I get tired of having to do all that, just sick of it. I don't wanna sooth, I don't wanna distract, I don't wanna count the fuckin trees, I'm so tired of it all.
Today I wrapped myself tight in a blanket with my arms underneath of me and just screamed as hard as I could into a pillow and it worked for awhile, but I ended up si'ing later today anyway.
I'm disappointed with myself, I did so well for so long, 8 months, I really wanted to make it to a year or forever maybe, now It's like I just don't even give a fuck. I don't even want to try. I could've distracted more today or tryed some grounding and I didn't, just really didn't even care to, just sick of it all. I tryed a little, then just gave up.
I just feel like until I take the steps I'll need to, to work out my problems, (which I don't think I'll ever be strong enough to do) I'm just going to struggle along, slowly building up to feeling worse and worse until its unbearable and I si anyway or worse like I said before, when I could've had a more bearable existance and not put myself in danger of something worse, if I'd just si once in awhile.
I'm afraid of letting myself get so distressed, I don't want it to lead to any kinda psychotic stuff, I'm soo scared of that ever happening again. I don't want to end up freaking out and su either, because this is my only chance and even if it sucks, it's the only 'me' there'll ever be and I don't want to throw it away, theres things I still want to do and see.
I didn't even get out of bed today, I'm not even functioning, like I can't even handle the slightest problem, its fucked. I'm not even fit to be around. My husband and son are taking care of our dogs and the house and stuff, I'm just giving up. I'm hoping some rest and just shutting myself away from the world for awhile will help me gain some strength to deal with things better again.

Damn, when I reread that, it sounds childish , even tho I know its justified.

NO, I'M NOT GIVING UP. I'm stronger than that.

I sat in my funk a few days and thought about maybe going to the hospital once, but decided to take my dogs to the beach instead?
It worked, I made it to today and actually am feeling.. lighter, clearer, a little better all around and don't feel so f'n f'd.

and not si'ing, I forgot how healing sucks, it's not worth it and I feel foolish.

So I'll try again and maybe make it longer than 8 months or forever this time.

woopdeedoo

Cupps, so glad you are feeling more upbeat,

Thanks angel How're you?