Before :(

tools to help you assess your urges before you give in to them, and to help you understand and learn from slips after they happen. by posting here, you're saying that you are serious about exploring the feelings behind your self-harm in depth, whether you're ready to stop hurting yourself or not. to request posting access, click usergroups above and join before and after.

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idork
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Before :(

Post by idork » Wed Oct 01, 2008 6:40 pm

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I will not feel anymore. I will have my concentration back.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

Bring: concentration/numbness

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I would like to feel happy... how simple is that!!!? Hurting myself at least takes the pain away for a little while... Hurting myself will not necessary bring me closer to the situation, but I do not know if it would take me farther either.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

Lately it's been daily. I hope it will last the night time at least. What do I do then... well... try to delay myself AGAIN and si eventually...

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

Well, I have my t appointment in 30 minutes... so if I can delay until then... I could write or draw perhaps. It might bring concentration to me, which would mean I will not fuze out as much in the session today.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

If I hurt myself I'll feel worried about scars and covering it up.
If I try something else I'll just continue feeling urgy.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to see blood and feel numb.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I am very sad and frustrated and feel out of control and alot of self-hatred. I just want to cut away my worries and cut away the pain. I also just tried to eat a snack and I couldn't finish it and I feel sad because I ate that much even and I feel out of control because my ed is controlling me. I'm hating my body and hating me alot right now.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Yes and no. I either went for a walk or sied. After the walk I usually go to sleep (night-time walks)... so I just am still avoiding how I feel. After si-ing I feel relief sometimes and a little better, although I worry about scars.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I've been doing this to delay myself before I head to my t appointment.

How do I feel right now?

Very upset, like sobbing and breaking down and dying and sickened by how I look.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Relief, concentration on the cutting and not on the pain.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Afterwards I might be able to concentrate and I'll feel little. Tomorrow morning I'll probally feel urgy again.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

Get used to the idea of eating... I can avoid stress by organizing some.

Do I need to hurt myself?

I feel like I do.

If I do I will have to after the t appointment... so maybe the t appointment will help... but how do I tell her how I am feeling right now?
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Post by han » Sat Oct 04, 2008 2:55 pm

i hope you can hold on until the t appt, talk to them about it and find another way to get through this...
hold on there idork
thinking of you
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Re: Before :(

Post by funkymusic » Sat Oct 04, 2008 5:44 pm

You have done a great job pinning down your feelings, locating and naming them. Just keep holding on! I hope you held/are holding on still, and made/make it to your T appointment.
idork wrote: if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

Lately it's been daily. I hope it will last the night time at least. What do I do then... well... try to delay myself AGAIN and si eventually...
That stuck out to me. I had the exact same attitude six months ago. 'I'll delay myself and eventually SI again, so what's the point?' But one day, I delayed myself, and kept delaying myself, and the urge went away. Then it came back, so I delayed myself. Repeat. Here I am, six months ago, still SI-free. I know you can do it!

:pinkstar: Lena

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idork
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Post by idork » Sat Oct 04, 2008 7:36 pm

I haven't sied for a couple days :D. I delayed until my T appointment and delayed afterwards too and didnt delay :D... I cant get rid of the urges though, they never leave... their even in my freaking dreams!! *screams*
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Post by han » Sat Oct 04, 2008 7:43 pm

woooo go Heather!
keep on with the delaying and i hope it works out for you
hugs
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Post by funkymusic » Sat Oct 04, 2008 8:02 pm

Ah, yes, I remember that. I dreamt of SI for days. Lord, it's terrible. I'm sorry you have to go through that. I hope they go away soon for you. And if you keep delaying, they probably will! A couple days is a fantastic start. Keep up the good work!

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