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Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  I'll be able to give into temptation and it will stop pestering me. It won't change the situation much except allowing me to sleep, be calmer.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It will bring calm and punish me properly. It will take away 2 years free, my ability to wear short sleeves (though it's nearly autumn anyway) and make me feel twitchy around my family.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I don't know what I want to feel. Comforted maybe? In which case SH has served me well in the past. But if anyone finds out, they'll be worried and upset. So perhaps in the long term it will take me away from that.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  I don't know how long, it's so long since I've done it. What I'll do then? I could slip back into the behaviour. It was such an alluring habit. Otherwise I guess I'd have to keep fighting it again.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I could have a bath as a distraction and then try to sleep. A bath would help me to feel better as I'd be clean. Tomorrow I could try to swim, which I couldn't do with fresh cuts.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  Tomorrow - I don't know. Worried someone will notice if I hurt myself. Probably tempted to do it again. If I've had a bath tomorrow I'll feel more human I suppose. Just struggling to be logical.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really want to give in. But I don't want to spend the weekend hiding injuries from my sister. I'm not sure it's a self-protective instinct. I just want to punish myself for binging and not feeling 'worthy' next to the other SIer I know. I don't know what I need.


More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  - My friend telling me my scars were almost all gone
  - A chat about SI with another friend reminding me of the comfort it brought
  - Binging and feeling fat and ugly and useless
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  I have been here before but I can't remember very well the solutions I used. I used to call a friend, but she thinks I'm all better so I don't want to worry her.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  Binged. Seen a friend who offered to come round today. I could take a bath and try to sleep.
• How do I feel right now?
  Agitated, sick, dirty and oh so tempted
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Calm, because I won't have forgotten how to do it. Maybe guilty, but also released.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  After - I will be able to care for my cuts, so comforted in that way. Punished adequately. Tomorrow - I don't know. Possibly tempted again, or maybe guilty.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I can't avoid my SIing friend, she needs some help too. My other friend was trying to be positive and my head turned it upside down. I binged out of loneliness. I don't know how to constantly avoid that. I guess I could try other coping strategies first.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

Illogically - yes. Logically - I don't need to, but I want to so much.

Will try a bath.

hey you, was wondering how you were doing adn thinking of you the other day,

bath and sleep sounds like a good idea. keep trying to remember all the positives of having stopped, and the reasons why you stopped in the first place.

i'm sorry things with your friend didn't go so well.

xxx

Hi Birdie

So pleased to hear from you - how are you doing? I hope you are managing to recover super-well as before. Thanks lots for the reply. Just had a bath and will try to go to bed for some sleep now. Still tempted but hanging in there.

Love Jenni