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Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I will feel better having the company of the cuts - but the situation will NOT be better, it is the same and I will be distracted from making the changes that I need to make. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will make my total dispair and unhappiness and hopelessness real. Without the cutting how would I know or anyone else know how bad I am feeling? ( I guess only my T. knows, my husband knows, but he doesn't care)
It takes away being a true adult and dealing with my problems in a strong, graceful way. But if I could do that, I wouldn't have this problem. It also distracts me from my responsibilities and makes it harder for me to be present, which isn't a good thing over time, only in the short run. - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
see above - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It last up to 2 days with the amount of cutting I do now. I am wrecking my arm and there is not much room left for these sessions - and I only had 2 sessions. I am suprised by how much I cut. When the relief is over I must struggle with 'which way am I going?' more into cutting and dis-function or trying to be more in the present, which frankly I can't stand. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I am working on these questions, to help myself see what is going on - to gain insight. I've got to change my hopeless/helpless mindframe. I think I will ask my T. about that in Tues. I am upset about so many things and I feel I can't enact change - anything that will be lasting.
I can start to do the things I want to do and the things that I am responsible for - try to balance and take breaks to decrease the overwhelming feelings. Try to find my patience in how long it takes to do things. Try to do some art too, and not wait until everything else is done in order to give myself ' permission' to start. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
With the cutting I feel a sense of power, the blood gives me power. I don't need people so much and that helps with my distress.
If I try to make the changes in my environment, it is so slow and imperceptible, it is difficult to feel any sense of accomplishment. But in reviewing the answers to my questions, I realize I need to make changes and be patient with the slowness. I will still feel bad tomorrow, cutting or not cutting. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really want to commit SU. I am bound to fulfill my obligations here on earth because of the children and to not upset those around me. I am angry and upset that I have to stay here because of them and they don't even care enough to help me. (I don't expect the children to help me, I meant the adults). Something about Mary leaving (my old T.) and the breakdown in Feb. has left me with the view that I will never reach my goals in life and I would much rather jump from the bridge than live one more day. If I didn't have the kids I would jump into my car right now and be done with it. I can't be honest about that with anyone and the daily activities of life annoy me.
My self-protective instinct needs things that cost money, which I do not and never will have. I want to travel and take the kids to the best museums in the country and the world and get away from this town and my husband. Thats my fantasy and its stupid.
At least the cutting is real and I can feel it and it says how I feel (to me)without me having to express it by being in bed all day (which I can't do). I can go about my business of trying to improve things around here with the physical knowledge (the cuts) that I know I can't.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
- Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
- What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
- How do I feel right now?
sad, overwhelmed, angry - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
better, a way to calm things down - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
mixed : distracted, harder to focus on my current responsibilities, guilty b/c I didn't call my therapist, relieved to have the cuts there - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
The stressor is my LIFE, unfortunately I can't avoid it because I can't SU and leave my kids, I need to take charge and start to make some changes to take care of myself and not be so overwhelmed - Do I need to hurt myself?
I don't even understand hurting myself- its mine and its private and I need to do it.
I guess I actually need to take responsibility for my feelings and get things organized around here and try to balance working with calming activities.