bus

what had happened just before?
I had a dream that I saved Jonny. In fact I repeatedly had a dream that I saved Jonny. It felt so real.

what were you thinking and feeling?
At first I felt some closure. I felt good. I could still smell him lingering. But it was followed by a bitter after taste. How much I hate myself for not saving him & how much i want it to be so. (Even though I realize these aren't my responsibilities.)

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
The dream. I'm just sick. I just want to die because he's gone. Now that I say it I'm triggered all over again.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I texted people. I thought I felt better but it came crashing down.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
I couldn't take my meds yesterday night or this morning because I had been drinking yesterday evening.


what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I texted friends & posted in my place about the dream

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?


name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.


how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
It will never be resolved, I see that now. I'll always be this way

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
I'll know because I'll be thinking about Jonny

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
calling the resolve line
posting on BUS
reading a book playing Wii

i'm sorry that your dream led to you feeling so bad and SIing.

it sonds like you tried some good things to hepl with the situation and that you've got a good plan for next time. one thing you wrote struck me though..

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
It will never be resolved, I see that now. I'll always be this way

just becasue you may always have thoughts and feelings of wanting to have saved him doesn't mean that things will always be this way, hopefully in time it'll be easier to accept that it wasn't your job to do that, and that'll be a more automatic thought when you have dreams like this.

take care of you today xx