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Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  it won't change. i will only keep the hysterical feelings at bay for a time.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  i will be able to stay away from this pain today.
  i keep breaking promises i can't keep.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  i suppose i'd like to get to a place where i am not constantly thinking about SI. To a place where i can actually think of my ex and not feeling such horrible pain. Cutting will momentarily get my closer to this feeling, but not in the long run.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  i don't know. maybe minutes, maybe hours. at least thru the day. thru this awful six year annivesary day. am seeing a friend in a few hrs...stay safe until then.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i tried using ice. it isn't as effective because i don't feel anything but cold. it doesn't take the edge off. i could call someone but i don't want to. i am tired of everyone feeling bad for me. this is just my life now. nothings going to change it unless i do. no one can help me but me.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  tomorrow i probably won't care. i just don't know how much i care about it all.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

i just want to curl up and cry and make this pain leave me. i suppose i could try to watch tv or make something to eat...distract myself.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  because it is our 6 yr anniversary but he's left me. doesn't want me anymore, can't commit to our relationship.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  Yes, so many times it seems in the past year. Sometimes i would call people just to get my mind off things. Other times i would distract myself. i am too tired to go out though. i guess i'd feel better cuz the pain would pass.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  i wrote about it in place. i tried suggestions i have learned in T. i need to keep thinking and feeling and trusting that eventually the pain will subside. just have to get thru it.
• How do I feel right now?
  calmer.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  guilty. relieved. sad. hurting. angry.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  feeling like it's inevitable. i have no power over myself.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  can't avoid it unless you didn't have a brain.
  i keep thinking every year i will have to go thru this. i don't know maybe next year it won't hurt so much.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

no of course not. but i want to. i will try to do the other things on my list now.

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

i need to keep thinking and feeling and trusting that eventually the pain will subside. just have to get thru it.

True. I'm going through a break up at the moment... knowing this doesn't make it any easier, but it is true. The pain will lessen with time.

Thinking of you.

S x