bus

After:

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  Somewhat because I had to. I had to go into my now ONLY job almost immediately after I hurt myself. They are covered and out of the way, yes.
• what had happened just before?
  I was going to have a dreaded phone call with the main supervisor where I worked. I was afraid I was going to get fired.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  That I was going to lose my job. How angry I was about how I was going to lose my job over standing up for what I believed in... and how the last few months at this job had been utter hell.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  Knowing that the conversation was going to take place. I hurt myself so I could make it through the conversation with the main boss there without totally breaking down on the phone. I knew I was going to get fired.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  I made the mistake at work of trying to correct a coworker instead of letting one of the supervisors do it. I then spoke my mind when confronted about how I handled the situation. I totally said what I thought about quite a few things that were going wrong at the place - didn't hold back - showed how upset I was and finally stood up for what I STILL know and believe to be true about the business.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  No drugs or medication. Lack of sleep is a constant and this week has been harder, as I have tried to flip my days and nights back to what the rest of the world sees as "normal".
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  Tried writing and talking on the phone. They worked a little bit, but I didn't want to burden anyone more than I already was. I didn't want to cry because my eyes would have gotten all puffy and I was going to have to go into work shortly thereafter.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  Calling more people on the phone and telling those I called that I wanted to hurt myself.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  1. Call more than 2 people on the phone.
  2. Write a REAL journal or blog entry, even if I keep it private... just get the feelings and emotions out on paper so I can physically examine them.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  The situation is as resolved as it can be, since I am no longer an employee there. I am concerned about everyone else who has to deal with the hell going on there, but the only thing I can do now is fight for wrongful termination and get my unemployment.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  Yes, being fired or potentially being fired is part of life.

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

• What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
  I wouldn't have to bother anyone by using this coping mechanism.
• Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
  It was right there for the taking, as I was all alone in my apartment with time on my hands.
• What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
  I would have just continued on with what I was doing to the best of my ability and try and remind myself to get back to the urge later, if it were to reoccur.
• If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
  Initially it would have increased, then it would have decreased... especially after I realized there was no adequate way to completely release the tension and feelings.
• What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
  Being alone is the biggest opportunity and I experience this frequently. I can always make tools and my mindset really has to be in the right place for me to hurt myself or the behaviors seem meaningless.
• If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
  Very angry and even more isolated. I would probably then want to kill myself.

After You Beat an Urge
How do you beat your urges? Examine how you beat the last one so it can help you beat the next one.

• Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
  Yes.
• If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
  I felt out of control and hurting myself helps to give me the sensation of control, even if over something rather meaningless to the ultimate outcome of the situation.
• What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
  I tried to talk on the phone to friends who care about me.
• Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
  They were the most readily available and the only ones I could handle using, other than hurting myself. My other coping mechanisms weren't ones I could use right then and there without making my urges worse.
• How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
  I need to try and stop worrying so much about what others will think of me and let them handle their own feelings, not try and protect them from mine. I need to stop believing I am a burden to them.