bus

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  I will be able to forget how i am feeling for a while. i can focus on physical pain instead.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  I'm not sure that it will really bring anything positive to my situation. It will take away my promise to not SI, it will take away my one month SI free.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want to be able to feel happiness with my life, the way it is now. I want to be able to get through my days without crying. SIing right now will help me get through this night, but not necessarily through the rest of my nights.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  who knows...probably only lasts a day. until tomorrow. when i have to go to the beach, and wonder how the heck i hide the latest scar... i don't know what i will do then.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  Well, i could call someone. i could go swimming. I could clean the kitchen. I am watching tv, but am too distracted...i could read up on meditation. at least if i try these things i could get thru the night.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  i will probably be disappointed and mad at myself. if i am strong enough to resist SIing, then tomorrow i will probably feel better about myself.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

i really want to give in and just at least hold the scissors against my wrist. but i am afraid i won't be able to stop there. i don't know if i care enough about keeping safe.

Hey, I hope it's okay for me to make a suggestion...you wrote:

i can focus on physical pain instead.

could you chose physical pain which will not damage you? Like holding ice cubes on your skin? I really like these: http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bild:Massagebaelle1.jpg Because they hurt, without causing damage.

Thanks ice_crystal, that's a great idea! I've tried ice cubes once before, and actually that worked well. I forgot all about it.
I like the look of those massage balls too. I'll need to look around for those.
i think i'll try the ice now..maybe that will help with the urges.

The massage balls you can buy in stores where..well..I have troubles finding the words there...you can buy sanitary stuff. To translate it verbally: sanitary store.

There are those ointments with capsaicin, you can buy them at drug stores and pharmacies. They warm up once you put in on your skin - if you put warm water on the skin before and use a lot of ointment, applying a bandage to protect the clothes and your environment , it warms up and it's getting very hot and kind of painful, but without damaging you. they recommended me that when I was ip.