bus

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  maybe i'll be less angry. maybe i can bear the moments going by, or my life the way it is, or the helplessness that i have in the face of changing external events.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it might bring a moment of satisfaction, an escape from this inner turmoil. it would take away my knowledge and integrity of myself.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  i want to feel like things are okay, like i don't have the change them, and that it's okay that i can't. si-ing won't change a lot of that, but it might (will) make things less ok.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  i have no idea. nothing. i'll do nothing, maybe do it again, fight it again, because this isn't a sustainable option, it's just all i've got and i want to feel better RIGHT NOW. i don't want to feel this way.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could take a really hot or really cold shower, write on myself, wash it off. it might help with the self-hatred and the anger towards others that i feel right now. then maybe i'll be burned out enough to go to sleep. and maybe i'll feel better in the morning, or until this all explodes again (which it's bound to).
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  i don't know. i know that tomorrow brings more problems no matter what i do today. i guess that cutting out of self hatred will just cause more self hatred though. it's in infinite regression.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

i really want to be healthy, take a shower. i'm just fighting as always this knee jerk reaction. i guess honoring that instinct would involve replacing SI with something equally validating but less harmful.


More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  i feel like the whole world is so critical of me, and in the end, i'm so critical of myself but i feel like i'm exploding with this criticism and i'm losing everything important to me. and i feel responsible for someone else's life, and that's so tough... i couldn't handle being responsible for her death too.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  yes it has. i fought through it i guess. i smoked a cigarette, but otherwise i didn't give in that badly. it felt like i was barely scraping by. but i survived i guess.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  cried. shower, bed, hot cider, writing. taking care of myself.
• How do I feel right now?
  i feel slightly better after writing this, but still furious at others and myself. and scared to death.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  nothing at all. negative. hollow.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  negative, hollow. tomorrow morning i will feel miserable. full of misery.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  can't avoid people being critical of me... i can work on the negative self talk so i don't contribute to criticism or buy everyone else's criticism of me
• Do I need to hurt myself?

no *sigh*