bus

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  I will feel in control, things will feel less overwhelming and more managable
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  It will bring relief from all of these feelings
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want this all to go away, but at the same time I dont want to hurt myself. I want to feel capable and in control. I don't know, I know it won't reallt bring me closer to that. But I want the instant gratification
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  I don't know. It's been so long - I can't actually remember how long the relif usually lasts for - I mean , it varies. And tbh; I actually don't care: I want to cut. I want that instant relief. And a big part of me doesn't care that it isn't tempory.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I could clean my room, organise my very unorganised life, reply to e-mails or go to bed...my meds are making me drowsy - so that's probably the best option. Sleep sounds good; the relief will last until tomotrrow when I wake up and still have to deal with it
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  If I cut: Aside from the usual feelings of guilt and shame and othe associated things - I will feel relieved that I SIed and I will feel in control - even if I know it's a fake sense of control I;ve been lulled into- and less overwhelmed by everything
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to cry...or scream - can never really be sure which one

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  Accumalated stresses; things seem to be falling apart. I feel overwhelmed by my commitments and I got exam marks back today - THEY WERE TERRIBLE!! <---that's the main thing though
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  Yes - I cut myself
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I talked about it - not the urges, just the other problems
  ate some chocolate
  went on facebook
• How do I feel right now?
  
  tired,...drowsy, sad, anxious, angry
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  better than this
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  guilty...worse than before perhaps
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  work harder, be better, avoid mediocrity and failure at all costs
• Do I need to hurt myself?

yes. but i won't. i hpe i wont

I'm glad you are stopping to try to understand your urge before you do anything. It's a positive step.

Similarly, I wanted to tell you that I love the title! That is one of my favorite poems.