before

[DJ_CJ]

I’m disappointed in myself. No one can help me or wants to. Nothing ever gets better.
SI will bring more things to be disappointed about. It will take away the progress I’ve made.
Well I doubt SI will snap me out of this. I’ve been getting urges a lot more lately. I’ve done really well for a while now. I’ve had a good headspace lately. Meaning when I get in a situation that would have called for SI in the past I haven’t wanted to cut or even felt like I needed to. Lately, even though I haven’t cut in a while I’ve let SI be an option in my head. Since then I’ve had urges more often and I seem to be making bad decisions possibly as an attempt at self sabotage.
How long will the relief last? Well it might last a week or so, unless I find something wrong with it: too small, too shallow, crooked, or whatever. Then I would cut again. After that maybe things will be different. I always say that though. Just get through this week and things will be better. It never is though. Things never get better.
I could just go to bed. I am tired. Things usually don’t look better in the morning but the urge is usually gone by then. I can get up and go run.
If I SI tonight I’ll be pissed tomorrow cause I won’t be able to go swimming. If I do the other thing I’ll just be rested. I do worse when I’m tired.

I don't know what I'll do. I want to SI but I don't. Just go to bed, ugh!